Christian Counseling in Houston Texas

Letting Go of the Need to Control – Living the Surrendered Life

July 25, 2023 by Steve Rossi – The Christian Counselor in Houston, Texas

Everyone wants to control their lives to some degree. We want stability and security. It’s human nature. Some people are more obsessed and driven to control outcomes in their lives than others. Control issues can lead to many problems in a person’s life. God designed us to depend on Him and He gives us the freedom to choose and follow Him. Life is unstable, always changing, there’s no way we can stop it. Things happen all the time. Life is full of inconveniences, frustrations, disappointments and calamities. The more we try to control things the worse they become. We deceive ourselves into thinking we can control life. The reality is: we are not in control. How do we accept this and move forward? Is this an attitude of defeat? No. A person driven by strong needs to control is in bondage. Try to control the weather, the economy, the forces of evil, other people, and life in general, and you will fail every time. Yet people worry and try to control outcomes. God did not set us free to control everything. He is God and we are not. God gave us stewardship over certain things here on earth but we have no power to alter God’s design and plans. Yet we still yearn to predict and control. Science aims to control by trying to understand the most intimate details of life. This is not all bad. God enables us to find cures for certain diseases and have great victories, but we are limited and He is limitless. This article examines the need to control, the problems it creates, and ways to let go and live the surrendered life. We can be free from the need to control, and we must in order to live victoriously and effectively for Jesus Christ!

Control-Oriented People

There are different types of control-oriented people. Some have very strong needs to control things while others have very little. People on the other end of the continuum are those so matter of fact that they appear too loose in dealing with things beyond their control. They just aren’t preoccupied with controlling things. They appear more relaxed. Most of us fall somewhere in between. We could all stand to relax more with regard to control. Let’s take a look at those having strong control issues. They are usually insecure people. They may try desperately to control things because they have had bad experiences or traumas in their lives. Terrible things may have happened to them that were brought on by other people and circumstances beyond their control. They tend to be fearful but don’t like to admit it. Fear and control go together. People try to control things out of fear. They frantically attempt to prevent bad things they fear might happen to them. Their fears may be real but most of the times they are unfounded, there are no imminent dangers. These people are often uptight as they try very hard to manage outcomes. They try to control everything, from the minute to major things in their lives. Things must go their way. You might even say they are perfectionists or “control freaks.” This behavior becomes obsessive compulsive for some. Their lives are shackled to doing things they think will keep them safe. They hate disruptions in their routines and plans. Life is very frustrating for them. They tend to get very angry when things don’t go their way. Here are a few more behaviors that are associated with people who have control issues:

 Obsessed with time. Driven by the clock.
 High expectations for self and others.
 Get angry over small things that don’t go their way.
 Stressed out by delays, inconveniences, or scheduling problems.
 Tend to be rigid and uptight, internally and externally.
 Overly sensitive to criticism. Somewhat fragile here.
 Get defensive when corrected or confronted.
 Hate to be wrong.
 Hard to make them happy. Something always bothering them.
 Can be negative and complaining.
 Tend to be jealous in their relationships.
 You feel somewhat oppressed by them.
 They are prone to depression.
 Anger issues.
 Very tight with their money and time. Two major areas of control in their lives.
 Fearful of looking bad, or failing.
 Try to suppress their emotions but eventually they come out.
 Struggles with obeying God.
 Preoccupied with having their own way.
 Prone to addictions.
 Go to extremes to control life’s outcomes.
 Fear losing control. Will do anything to prevent losses and failures.
 Tend to push people away instead of drawing them in.
 Relationship/Intimacy issues.

You may have more of the above listed traits than you would like to admit. Don’t despair. You don’t
have to live your life in bondage to fear and control. There is hope. And He is God. I will cover the specifics of how you can be free through Christ later. Maybe you are one of those sighing with relief saying, “I am not one of those guys.” “I have only a few or none of the behaviors described on the list above.” Good. But don’t relax yet. We all struggle with control in some form or another even though it may not be as extreme as others. The whole Christian life and growth process involves becoming more Christ-like. “He must become greater and I must become less.” (John 3:30) Jesus must increase in us and the self which is prone to the sin nature must decrease. The self wants to have its way. The self in us wants to control life. Even though we know this life is temporary and we live in a fallen world, we want control over what happens to us. We want that reassurance and security. We are all guilty of striving to have our way – to be in control. We must lose our life in order to save it. (Luke 9:24)

Problems and Pain

People with strong needs for control cause problems. These people invariably generate strife as they impose their way on others. They are often insensitive to the rights or needs of others. Control-oriented people can be very difficult to live and work with. They are not typically team players and tend to be dominating in their approach. Problems occur frequently in their marriage, family, and work. Sadly, sometimes they create trouble in their church. They are immovable, it’s either their way or “the highway.” People with control issues aren’t always mean and aggressive in their approach to life. Many are nice but still very controlling. They try to order their time and life with you in ways that restrict your freedom. They would rather have their own way in directing things than work with others in considering alternatives. Obviously this creates a multitude of potential problems for others as well as themselves. Severe control-oriented people do not function well in intimate relationships because they hurt the ones they love. They try to control others in subtle and blatant ways. A person with control issues can cause a considerable amount of emotional pain and turmoil. They strain relationships because people feel devalued by them. Your opinions and suggestions are heard but not considered. They are inflexible. This behavior shuts down relationships over time. You can love them, but it is unlikely that they will love you back unconditionally because they are self-absorbed and preoccupied with controlling things they perceive as threatening. For example, a jealous husband consistently checks on his wife by reading her emails, text messages, etc. because he fears losing her when there is no reason for concern. The wife over time feels mistrusted, disrespected, and grieved by these actions and struggles with bearing the pain.

She may have to endure his outbursts, false accusations, and control for awhile before she confronts him to make changes. The controlling parent is another example. He creates a lot of emotional stress for his children. His behaviors are not loving. They go way beyond parental concern. The children feel that their parent does not trust or believe in them. They are held back from becoming healthy independent young adults. The controlling parent is so restrictive that the child is not allowed to do anything without extreme supervision. This often generates considerable pain and resentment for children, teenagers and young adults. They accumulate emotional baggage that could have been avoided. Some become quite rebellious when they leave home.

Individuals who are very control-oriented generate pain for themselves too. They feel like they are fighting a losing battle. They know they cannot control everything but they persist in trying to do so. They are prone to anxiety, depression, and anger over feelings of helplessness. They are very edgy and rarely experience peace because something always goes wrong. Control-oriented people are enslaved by their obsession with control and wonder why they have few or no friends. They feel isolated and rejected because people don’t like to be around them. Control oriented people are usually unhappy. Underlying issues make them vulnerable to struggling with control. They are stuck and don’t want to risk giving up the need to control in order to become more adjusted. It’s just too painful. There have been wars throughout history because one group tried to take control over another. The aggressors want to conquer and control other people. We see this today all over the world. One group tries to impose their ways on others. There is much taking and no giving by those seeking to control. This problem of control will be around as long as we have the sin nature and live in a fallen world.

The Impossibility of Controlling
Everything
We cannot control life. This is the reality God created. We make choices, but we cannot and should not control. Control for us is an illusion. Job was grieved over the horrible tragedies that came upon him and tried to defend his own righteousness. He searched high and low for answers but found none. Remember when God began questioning Job? (Job 38:1-42:6) God did not explain anything to Job. God illustrated His Sovereignty by the questions He asked Job. God is in control. Yet we fall into the trap of believing we must order our own steps. The self-made man is an illusion. God lets us succeed. God provides the gifts and talents we have and allows us to apply them in this life. We are supposed to be grateful and thank Him for the things He lets us do here. We cannot control things no more than we can control the wind. Anyone would agree with this statement but still many stress and worry over trying to anticipate and prevent every potential problem or calamity. We are not supposed to be careless either. We must live in a world we cannot control and trust God to protect us and honor the steps we take in obeying Him. This means we follow His Word and Spirit within us to do His will.

Jesus on Control
Jesus gave up his rights to Himself when He redeemed mankind at the cross. He is the God of the universe. Our Creator showed us the importance of giving up control. The God Who is in charge relinquished control as the God-Man. The very act of our salvation rests on God Who did not save Himself from the cross. God honors and lifts up those who lose their lives for His sake. “For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will save it.” (Luke 9:24) Our striving to be first, and trying to take charge of our destinies does not accomplish the things of God. Jesus said, ” But
many who are first will be last, and the last first.” (Matt. 19:30) God wants those who depend on Him, not the self-willed and self-reliant, not those preoccupied with pushing their way to the top. The old saying, “If it’s going to be, it’s up to me.” has no place in the Kingdom of God. Jesus elevates the humble and the least over the prideful, power-grabbing, control-oriented people. Seeking to control one’s life or others is
sinful. Jesus laid down His life and we are to do the same for our brothers and sisters in the Lord. Jesus’ ministry and central theme of the Christian life is about surrender; letting go, giving up the need for control and the sinful cravings of the flesh. Jesus came to save us from ourselves and the coming wrath of God. He wants us to live completely yielded to Him. Jesus also warns us about the dangers of trying to control everything. We become our own god when we rely on ourselves and try to control life. A person extremely driven to control things is a person alienated from God. This person is completely in bondage to self and vulnerable to the devil, the enemy of our souls.

God is in Control

God is absolutely in control, yet sometimes when people hear their friends say this to encourage them, they don’t feel reassured. They feel rejected and abandoned by God. They feel that though God is in control, somehow He chooses to let them suffer their calamities. They don’t live what they know to be true. They feel that God deserted them and is punishing them for something they might have done. They come to believe their prayers won’t get answered because God stopped listening to them. They focus more on their circumstances, feeling helpless and hopeless, and become depressed. God’s Truth and Love no longer comforts them. It is important that you bear with your brothers and sisters who have fallen into despair. Be patient with them. Stand with them. Be like Jesus to them. Love them. Pray without ceasing for them. Don’t go into long winded deep theological discussions with them while they are going through “dark nights of their souls.” They are not ready for this. They simply need your presence, prayers, and reassurance. Don’t get mad at their lack of faith in our Almighty God. This can happen to anyone. Elijah was depressed and felt hopeless. (1 Kings 19:4, 10, 14) Jonah, Job, Jeremiah, and David also struggled with depression. So we need to understand that severe conditions challenge the strongest saint’s faith and there will be moments and seasons of brokenness, discouragement, and dark nights of the soul in this life. We must cling to God through the troubles in our lives and “trust in Him even though He slay me.” (Job 13:15).

We must never forget, no matter how bad things get, who we are in Jesus Christ. He is the God Who is in Control. He is the God of “before Abraham was, I Am.” (John 8:58) Our God, the God of the Bible, the God of Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, and Joseph is the Almighty everlasting eternally existent God of all Creation. He is all knowing, all powerful and all purposeful. He is Jesus. We tend to lose sight of God’s magnificence when we are struggling.

Things to remember about our God Who
is in control:

God always existed.
He has no beginning and no end.
He created everything.
He controls all things.
He knows all things before they happen.
Nothing surprises Him.
He plans all things.
He is all powerful. The Bible illustrates His
omnipotence over and over.
No one can do anything to thwart or
change His plans.
No evil can stand against Him.
Our destinies are wrapped in Him.
He loves us no matter what happens in our
lives.

God is in Control – Scriptures:
In Him also we have obtained an inheritance, being predestined according to the purpose of Him who works all things according to the counsel of His will, that we who first trusted in Christ should be to the praise of His glory. (Ephes. 1:11-12) “I know that You can do everything, and that no purpose of Yours can be withheld from You.” (Job 42:2) Your kingdom is an everlasting kingdom, and Your dominion endures throughout all generations. The LORD upholds all who fall, and raises up all who are bowed down. (Psalm
145:13-14) For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor
things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Rom. 8:38-39) For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. (Jer. 29:11)

But whoever listens to me will dwell safely, and will be secure, without fear of evil.” (Prov. 1:33)

The preparations of the heart belong to man, but the answer of the tongue is from the LORD.
(Prov. 16:1)

A man’s heart plans his way, But the LORD directs his steps. (Prov. 16:9)

The lot is cast into the lap, but its every decision is from the LORD. (Prov. 16:33)

The king’s heart is in the hand of the LORD, like the rivers of water; He turns it wherever He wishes (Prov. 21:1)

Remember the former things of old, for I am God, and there is no other; I am God, and there is none like Me, declaring the end from the beginning, and from ancient times things that are not yet done, saying, ‘My counsel shall stand, and I will do all My pleasure,’ (Isa. 46:9-10)

All the inhabitants of the earth are reputed as nothing; He does according to His will in the army of heaven and among the inhabitants of the earth. No one can restrain His hand or say to Him, “What have You done?” (Dan. 4:35)

“No one takes it from Me, but I lay it down of Myself. I have power to lay it down, and I have
power to take it again. This command I have received from My Father.” (John 10:18)

Jesus answered, “You could have no power at all against Me unless it had been given you from
above. Therefore the one who delivered Me to you has the greater sin.” (John 19:11)

But as it is written: “Eye has not seen, nor ear heard, nor have entered into the heart of man
the things which God has prepared for those who love Him. (1Cor. 2:9)

Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, (Ephes. 3:20)

Living the Surrendered Life
Jesus Christ is the only One who can heal and deliver us from control issues. He is the solution for everyone enslaved by fear and dire needs for control. Jesus is the only One Who can empower us to let go and live the surrendered life. Our relationship with Christ is ongoing and progressive. It’s a process: the closer we are to Him the more surrendered our lives are to Him. He becomes greater in us as we abide more in Him, and we feel less compelled to direct our own paths. So, what does the surrendered life look like and how do we live it?

The surrendered life is a life of freedom in Christ. We are free from having to give in to the cravings of our
sinful nature. The surrendered life is a life of power through the indwelling Holy Spirit. A child of God
surrendered to Jesus Christ is a person full of God’s love and peace. They are not so easily rattled by life. They operate in the supernatural. That is, they live by faith not by sight. A person completely dependent on God looks at problems, struggles, hardships, troubles, tribulations, and calamites much differently than
those bound by fear. They know and accept that they are not in control. They believe with all their hearts that everything happens for a purpose which God weaves into His Will. They are not stuck on deep theological debates, they simply believe God, therefore they have the peace that goes beyond human understanding. They know God will guard their hearts. They are convinced that nothing can separate them from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Rom. 8:38-9). They are growing in their peace and understanding with God, that He is in charge, and will never forsake them. The believer living
the surrendered life knows that whatever He suffers for Christ’s sake will be honored and committed to God. “For this reason I also suffer these things; nevertheless I am not ashamed, for I know whom I have believed and am persuaded that He is able to keep what I have committed to Him until that Day. (2 Tim. 1:12)

Born again believers in Christ cannot be defeated by anyone or anything in this life. We may be struck down, but not destroyed. (2 Corn. 4:8-9) We may fail and fall but God raises us up by His mighty hand. That’s ultimate consolation, comfort, and freedom! That’s a life surrendered to God. There is no striving or stressing over the things of this world. There is no need to control outcomes. Our desires become God’s desires for our lives. The surrendered life is not driven by fear of bad news. A person living a surrendered life to God is a humble person. The life surrendered is a life in tune with God. People surrendered to God praise and worship Him without inhibitions. They rejoice always, in all circumstances. Released from struggling to control, they are unhindered in their prayers. They continually seek God. Nothing moves
them. You feel encouraged, comforted, and loved by those living surrendered lives. The light and love of Christ pours out of them.

How? Choose.
God designed us to choose. We choose to accept His gift of salvation. We choose to love and obey Him.
We choose to live the surrendered life in Him over fear, control issues, sin, and death. You don’t have to be a slave to fear and control issues. Choose to let Christ free you from this bondage. The first step on the road to living the surrendered life is choosing Christ! Now that you have chosen Him, let Him empower you to depend on Him and give up the need to control. Maybe you have struggled with control issues a long time as a Christian. It is time to live what you know. There is no shame in admitting this. Step out in
faith even though it hurts to give up your false security in trying to control everything. It would be a greater tragedy to live in bondage to control issues and fear as a Christian than to put these fears to death in Christ. It will be painful but you need to do it. You won’t regret it.

Commit every thought and feeling to Jesus Christ.

Bring your need to control to the cross. Leave it there. Bring your thoughts and emotions to the mind of Christ Who lives inside you. Believe He is able and will do this thing for you. You will see a wonderful progression (with some ups and downs) toward increasing freedom. You cannot be in control. Give the
control to Him, where it belongs. Determine in your heart to live the surrendered life. Live as Jesus prompts you to live through the Holy Spirit within you and God’s Written Word. Complete dependence on Him means you seek His guidance in every step you take in this life and trust Him as He reveals His Will for you. Pray, wait, listen, respond. Go through the doors He opens for you. Don’t try to make things happen. He is the God of timing. His timing is perfect. You will begin to experience greater peace as
you do your part and trust Him to do His. Use the gifts and talents God gave you. Commit everything you do to Him. Yield to Him. Monitor your heart, head, and feelings. Watch out for pride or anything that arises from your sin nature. Be quick to confess your sins to God and repent. Be quick to forgive others. Live a life in tune with God – thinking, breathing, and doing the things of God. A surrendered life is a life
lived by a person who loves the Lord with all his heart, soul, mind, and strength. Your thoughts become His thoughts. Live your life in constant communion with God by dwelling on Him 24/7. Let His presence naturally influence everything you do. Have the mind of Christ and dwell on things that are true, noble, just, pure, lovely, of good report, virtuous, and praiseworthy. (Phil. 4:6) Stay away from anything that pulls you away from God. Don’t ignore the promptings of the Holy Spirit to do good and resist evil.

Do your part.

Our part is to obey God and obey God and take responsibility for our actions toward others. We
are to live a life of faith in God and step out. Don’t sit back and do nothing. A man or woman
surrendered to God does their part. We plan, organize, and build. We pursue goals. But we do this in line with God and not out of selfish ambition or at the expense of others. We don’t try to control, we just do our part and leave the results to God. We go about the business of God’s Kingdom not our personal kingdom on earth. We experience freedom in our lives submitted to God. That’s the surrendered life! Freedom to let God orchestrate our steps as we cooperate with Him. His desires become our desires as we abide in Him. He lets us do the things we want to do when they are lined up with His will. We don’t throw caution to the wind and live a haphazard lives. God wants us to plan and do our part. He want us to live orderly lives. He wants us to sow and reap good things. God want us to live balanced lives, letting Him be in control and us doing our part, all that the Bible commands us to do as Christians. The
Christian life is not supposed to be passive. It should be vibrant, surrendered to God, always being about His work. You are not slaves, but sons and daughters of God. He wants us to possess the land of our lives, like the Israelites of old. We should ask God for our journey, purpose and destiny, to posses what He has given us. We are to be active in this process and rely on Him. We cooperate with the God Who is in control. We step out in faith asking and doing, surrendered to Him.

Let go.

The surrendered Christian life is a life of letting God direct our steps. We deceive ourselves when we think we are in control. The fervent, effective Christian has a healthy fear of God and strong dependence on Him. God accomplishes mighty things in believers’ lives when they depend on Him. Loving Jesus and
having faith in Him means giving up control and believing Him to direct our steps to accomplish His purposes. We are to bring ultimate Glory to Him. We give up our rights to ourselves as we love and obey Him. He knows our lives would be disastrous without Him. Just look at your life and the lives of those in the Bible when they relied on themselves rather than God. You cannot surrender your life to Jesus unless you completely give your heart to Him. Surrendering is a daily process of spending time with Him in prayer and reading His Word, praising and worshiping Him and fellowshipping with other believers. We develop an increasing hunger for God when our lives are totally surrendered to Him. Every time you sense anxiety, fear, or the need to control, run to God and ask Him to help you release those things to Him. Let go! Surrender them to Him. God may put people in your life to help you let go. Sometimes people need to resolve underlying issues and go through a healing process before they totally let go of their need to control.

Humble yourself.

The surrendered life is also a life of humility. This is not the work of the flesh but through the Spirit. Deep abiding in Jesus makes our hearts and minds more like His. We become more like Him. Humility results when our lives are hidden in Christ. The more you walk with the Lord the less prone you are to be prideful. We must still remain on guard against the enemy and our sin nature. Surrendered to Christ, you begin to put others first in all that you do. It comes naturally for the children of God. We serve one another.

Final Words
The perfect love of Christ fills and compels us. There is no room for fear and control in the surrendered life. The person surrendered to God gives everything He has to God. It belongs to Him anyway. This
includes outcomes. This can be hard to do but produces great results. God will take all your yesterdays, today’s, and tomorrows if you let Him. Stop worrying. Stop reflecting and projecting the past into your future. Don’t take the worries back once you give them to God. Live in total submission and dependence to Jesus Christ. You are Heaven bound my friend! Nothing surpasses the glory of the things to come. The struggles of this life are nothing compared to what lies ahead. Purpose yourself to live the surrendered life today and don’t turn back once you commit to do so. Let God direct our paths and make your ways straight as you relinquish control to Him. Many have gone before us. A cloud of witnesses cheers us on as we grow and develop through the trials and tribulations of this life. We live in extremely difficult times brothers and sisters. The world is desperate for solutions. We are supposed to be salt and light to a dying world. We have the answers. We have the solutions to life. He lives inside us. Jesus Christ! We don’t have to let the world’s distractions, threats, instability, and chaos rattle us. We know how things turn out. We know Who is in control. Jesus speaks to us and reassures us. Just as He surrendered to the Father and the Master Plan for our salvation, we surrender to God and His will for our lives. Let the love of God and
peace of Christ compel you to live a surrendered life today my friend.

DEPRESSION

July 25, 2021 by Steve Rossi – The Christian Counselor in Houston, Texas

This post comes is a from a newsletter I did twenty years ago. The fundamental principles and basic treatments still apply today. There have been advancements in medical treatments for depression as well as refined psychotherapeutic approaches to helping people address underlying issues and overcome it.

Have you ever felt sad, empty, unmotivated, and pessimistic for several weeks? Do you know someone who looks dejected and admits feeling hopeless about his/her life? They lack the initiative and stamina to face the day. Have you ever known someone who struggled seriously with feelings of guilt, shame, worthlessness, self-criticism, discourage- ment, and low self-esteem. Depression takes many shapes and forms and varies from one individual to the next.
Depression is worldwide and affects individuals of all ages, including infancy (Collins, 1988). Depression is more than the blues or the blahs, or normal ups and downs. When that down mood lasts for more than a couple weeks, the condition may be clinical depression. Depression is the number one mental health problem in America, affecting 17 million people a year. Women tend to be affected four times as much as men by depression. It is more common in adults, but it is increasing among teenagers.

COMMON SYMPTOMS
Adults:
• Loss of Interest in Normal Daily Activities
• Feelings of Sadness, Helplessness, Hopelessness
• Apathy, Inertia and Fatigue
• Lack of Interest in Work, Sex, Religion, Hobbies
• Low Self-Esteem
• Self-Criticism, Feelings of Guilt, Shame, Worthlessness
• Loss of Spontaneity
• Sleep Disturbances
• Impaired Thinking and Concentration
• Loss of Appetite
• Thoughts of Death
Adolescents:
• Low Self-Esteem
• Tearfulness
• Withdrawal
• Drop in Grades
• Trouble- making At School
• Difficulty Maintaining Relationships
• Reduced Physical Activity
• Morbid Obsession with Death or Dying
• Serious Fingernail Biting
• Self-Destructive Behavior
• Episodes of Irritability for Weeks At A Time
• Disinterest in Hygiene and Personal Appearance
• Eating Disorders
• Sexual Promiscuity
• Drug and Alcohol Abuse
Children:
• Crying, Feeling Sad, Helpless, or Hopeless
• Feeling Discouraged or Worthless
• Loss of Interest or Pleasure in Most Activities
• Takes Much Longer to Finish Homework
• Fatigue and Loss of Energy Nearly Everyday
• Bad Temper, Irritable, Easily Annoyed
• Fearful, Tense, Anxious
• Repeated Rejection by Other Children
• Drop in School Performance
• Inability to Sit Still
• Repeated Emotional Out- bursts, Shouting or Complaining
• Doesn’t Talk to Other Children
• Repeated Physical Complaints (Headaches, Stomach Aches)
• Significant Increase or Decrease in Appetite
• Change in Sleep Habits
• May Also Have Diagnosis of ADHD or Learning Disabilities
• Suicidal Thoughts, Feelings or Self Damaging Behavior
• Abuse or Prolonged Use of Alcohol or Drugs

Symptoms and Causes
There are different types of depression. Reactive depression comes as a reaction to a real or imagined trauma or loss. People with reactive depression usually have high levels of anxiety. Reactive depression is usually short in duration and self-corrective (Collins 1988). Endogenous depression arises spontaneously from within the individual. This depression typically involves intense feelings of despair, self-destructive tendencies, persists for a long period of time, is more resistant to treatment, and has a high recurrence rate. Primary depression occurs by itself and secondary depression results as a side effect of some medication, one’s diet, or an illness like cancer or diabetes. When there is one or more episodes of depression as the primary disorder, it is referred to as unipolar. Bipolar depression involves periods of mania cycling with depressive behavior. Depression covers a wide variety of symptoms that differ in severity, frequency, duration, and origin. It usually involves feelings of gloom or sadness, accompanied by a slowing down of the body (Hart, 1993). The effects of depression range from minor (some sadness) immobilization to a massive shut down of one’s ability to function (complete despair and hopelessness). Severe depression can overwhelm a person with fear, exhaustion, apathy, and inner desperation. Depression can lead to unhappiness and inefficiency. Depressed people
often feel self-critical, and miserable.

Consequently, they are indecisive, lack enthusiasm, and energy to do even the simplest things. Depression involving grief or loneliness often lowers the body’s immune system. These individuals are more susceptible to illnesses, and more likely to get sick. Low self-esteem and withdrawal are also effects of depression. Many depressed people escape into drugs, alcohol, novels and television. Some seriously consider suicide as an escape from life and their intense emotional pain, and try to kill themselves. Suicide attempts, for others, are an unconscious cry for help. Masked depression can be revealed in different ways. It may come out in physical symptoms and complaints, aggressive actions and angry outbursts, impulsive behavior (including gambling, drinking, violence, destructiveness, or impulsive sex), accident proneness, compulsive work, and sexual problems. Depression can mimic health problems involving the central nervous and gastric systems, muscular, heart, respiratory and skin problems (Hart, 1993).

Depression can mask itself with anger, headaches, backaches, fatigue, irritability, and hypersensitivity. Depression is harder to diagnose in adolescents and children than in adults. Adolescents are less likely to realize they are depressed and less likely to seek help. Look for drastic changes in their behavior. Children have more difficulty expressing their feelings in words. Depressed children usually become irritable, act out, and have temper tantrums. There are many causes of depression. Some people have a biological-physical base. Some depression runs in families. Depression can also be physiologically based as in post adrealin depression that comes to people who have just had an emotional high. Developmental, psychological, interpersonal, spiritual, and non-physical influences are at the basis of much depression. Childhood experiences such as separation, abuse, unstable homes, apathetic or volatile family relationships can predispose people to depression. Divorce, death, prolonged separations, failure, life stresses and major disappoint- ments are powerful depression producing life events. Cognitive views of depression believe that a person’s thinking determines how they feel. Negative views of the world, life experiences, oneself, and the future contribute significantly to depression. Hurt and anger that is denied, kept within, and turned in toward oneself can lead to depression too. Personality traits like having low self-esteem, being overly dependent, self-critical, pessimistic, and easily overwhelmed by stress, can predispose a person to depression. Alcohol, nicotine and drug abuse also contribute to depression and anxiety disorders.

Overcoming Depression
No two people experience depression the same way. Rule out physical causes with a good medical evaluation if you get depressed regularly without any apparent cause. If it is a minor depression, accept it and allow yourself to go through it. If you feel your depression is more serious: identify the loss with all its implications; accept the loss; do the grieving; and try to put the loss in some perspective. Move forward with your life at your own rate. Know that this shall pass and that God is walking with you through the Valley of the Shadow of Death. Trust God to bring you through it. Identify and understand your depression, take steps to get help, seek others and professional help, to guide you through the process. Realize that depression is a natural response to stress, loss, and agonizing disappointments. Remain open to the approaches and help offered. Remember that you have had success over depression in the past, and there is a multitude of people out there who can testify that they overcame depression. It
takes work and trusting God no matter what.

Treatment

Eighty to ninety percent of people with depression can be helped. Symptoms can be relieved quickly with psychological therapies, medications, or a combination of both. The most important and difficult step toward treating depression is asking for help. Psychotherapy and counseling focus on making significant personality changes and providing guidance and insight in dealing with problems. This form of treatment addresses the causes of depression. Therapy helps people review their background, past influences and family pressures that create depression. It also helps them process stress emanating from loss, conflict, failure, and relationship difficulties. Counseling helps eliminate anger, guilt, and negative thinking. People don’t just snap out of depression! Effective therapy encourages clients to reevaluate depression-producing thoughts and attitudes toward life. The therapist helps the depressed person look at their expectations, attitudes, values, and assumptions. Medication deals with the physiology. Antidepressant medication for treatment of endogenous and reactive depression can relieve symptoms, help the person process
and deal with the factors and causes of the depression more effectively.

Hope
People in the Bible like Job, Moses, Jonah, Elijah, David, Peter, and the Israelite Nation, all experienced depression. Elijah fled into the wilderness where he plunged into despondency. He wanted to die. David’s songs of despair offer hope in Psalms 69, 88, and 102. He expresses both depression and rejoicing in Psalm 43: “Why are you so downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.” Even Jesus expressed great grief and depression in his agony before daylight in the Garden of Gethsemane. The Bible says He was full of sorrow, to the point of death. (Matt. 26:38). Numerous references to pain and grieving throughout the Bible illustrate the hope in God. Each of the believers who plummeted into depression eventually came through and were renewed with a lasting joy. It is not surprising that Christians experience depression in a fallen world. God often uses depression to bring us into a closer relationship with Him. God brings meaning and healing from depression and suffering. He offers help and hope. Jesus says “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle, and you will find rest for your souls”(Matt. 11:28). Real healing and victorious living come from God. There is comfort in the following Bible verses. “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted, and he saves those whose spirits are crushed” (Psalm 34:18). “Find rest, O my soul, in God alone: my hope comes from Him” (Psalm 62:5). There is hope, because He is Hope. God is our greatest hope in overcoming depression and living a victorious life, now and forever. “May the God of Hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy
Spirit” (Rom. 15:13).

Parenting Teens: Approach and Solutions – Part 2

June 13, 2021 by Steve Rossi – The Christian Counselor in Houston, Texas

This comes from a newsletter I did in 2006 but the approach and solutions for parenting teens still apply today.

It’s an awesome privilege and challenge to raise children today. We’re not just raising kids, we’re raising future fathers and mothers! Children and teenagers need specific things from their parents to become well adjusted Godly adults. Most children are easier to manage than adolescents. Adolescence is another realm. You will need to promote growth in your teenagers too. What are the right limits and boundaries? How do you guide your teenagers without over controlling them? What does it mean to discipline in love? What are the best ways to handle academic issues, peer influences, drinking, drugs, sex, the internet, music, TV, and responsibilities? What about the rebellious, disrespectful, aggressive teen? How do you handle them? Do you have a high conflict family? How do you change and heal strained and damaged family relationships? Don’t lose hope! You can approach these trials and tribulations with confidence and effectiveness. You can parent your teens with God’s power and grace. You will have His peace. You will survive and flourish. Your teenagers need your blessing to really make it in life.

They need your affirmation, acceptance, and love to go forward. Have you raised your children and teenagers God’s way? Are there any lingering conflicts or issues that still need to be addressed and resolved with your children?

Promoting Growth
This begins long before the adolescent years. It starts the day your child is born, through your touch, words, and behaviors. What is your vision for your child? How do you see him or her? What kind of person would you like your child or teenager to become? Develop your vision for them by relating to them in ways that ultimately promote growth. Most parents want their children to be Godly, law-abiding citizens. They want children who appreciate and love them and believe in themselves. Tell your children and teenagers you love them and that they are important to you. Tell them and show them that you believe in them. Give them opportunities to grow. Let them do things, make mistakes, and gain competence and confidence in their abilities. Teach them to do things around the house that require stretching their comfort zones. Let them mow the lawn, watch their younger siblings, go in the store to pick up a few things, help organize a garage sale, etc. Connect with them. Develop a strong healthy bond. Spend time doing things with them. Take them places. Enjoy their company. Listen to what they have to say. Interact with them in ways that let them know you like connecting with them. Don’t be their friend. Be their parent. Don’t always teach or preach to them. Your relationship with them is everything. Teens are pulling away, expect some opposition, let go a little but keep an open, strong, ongoing relationship with them. Keep the lines of communication open. Listen intently, understand what they are saying and meaning. Talk plainly to them. Provide guidance. Promote growth in your teens by giving them direction. Help them think things through. Help them look at different possibilities and outcomes. Don’t make their decisions for them. Don’t lecture. Let them talk. Share your childhood experiences. Listen and engage them. Discuss their current and future challenges. Offer support. Help them evaluate their thinking, decisions, and behavior. Affirm, accept, and value them. Do this with your words and actions. Forgive them, no matter what their transgressions, as Christ has forgiven you. Do not hold grudges. Help your teenager strengthen at each stage of his journey, building, letting him do more, and letting go. Address your own issues and problems like anger, unforgiveness, past hurts, abuse, etc.

Guidance, Limits, and Boundaries
Guide and discipline your teenagers with love. Raise them in a Godly manner. Avoid disciplining your teenagers out of anger, anxiety or convenience. Model, teach, and promote behaviors that glorify Christ. Do this in a firm but loving way. Younger children and teens need more direct involvement from you. Older ones need less. The primary goal is to help them develop self-discipline and become responsible. Help them see and evaluate their choices. Help them
develop the freedom to make choices within well defined limits established by you. Expand the parameters as they show more responsible choices and behavior. Use words like, “I see you decided, chose, or elected to…” when helping them see their thinking and how they set up certain situations. Teenagers need structure and stability. They need predictable routines. Maintain structures and routines like dinners, family time, church attendance, recreational activities, etc. Vary your approach to match the different dispositions and personalities of your teens. Some children are more sensitive than others. Do not be extremely strict or permissive.

Don’t compromise your Christian values. Remain steadfast on the non negotiables. Avoid power struggles. Provide positive and negative consequences. Teach conflict resolution skills. Model and help your teen go through conflict resolution steps in handling difficult people and situations. Teach them to: identify the problem; state the problem clearly; attack the problem (not the person); take turns talking about the problem; review the options; review their feelings; explain reasons; review the problem, feelings, proposed solutions, and expected outcomes. Stick to your decision in implementing specific solutions to problems. Don’t waiver. Handle your anger and frustration appropriately when working with your teenagers. Express your thoughts and feelings calmly and clearly. Deescalate angry teens. Let them leave the room and return when they are more composed. Model good anger management and resolution skills. Build character in your children and teens. Build strong relationships with your teenagers first. This takes time, involvement, and doing things together. Love them. Acknowledge and encourage your teens. Build Godly character into them patterned after Christ.

Handling Specific Conflict Areas
Parenting teenagers with academic problems can be extremely challenging. Underachievement and school failure often leads to explosive arguments and bad feelings between parents and their teens. See my two newsletters on this topic for more detailed information and interventions (Vol.1 No. 3, Vol. 1 No. 4).

Create a positive atmosphere to discuss grades and set academic goals with your teenagers. Do this in a calm, loving manner. It’s not about the grades when your teens underachieve or fail. They consciously and subconsciously sabotage themselves. It’s not “laziness” but real concerns and fears that motivate them to do so poorly in school. Most of the time they are struggling with growing up and moving forward in life. Some struggle with the fear of success and others with the fear of failure. Processing responses like “It‘s hard to manage so much.” help them understand their feelings and look at their fears. Use examining responses like “I see that you choose not to do your work.” “It’s interesting that you decided to be late today.” “You seem angry about something.” These responses help them go beyond their defenses and see how they set up the conditions that lead to underachievement. Review their choices, feelings and behavior without getting hooked. Hold them accountable. Set firm limits and consequences for irresponsibility in handling their academics. Refrain from long arguments and excessive punishments. Don’t overdo it with groundings.

Address parent-child issues too. Communication problems are common between parents and teens. The goal is to transition from rule setting to giving advice. Clearly communicate your position on key issues. Keep it simple and direct. Don’t give in when you are challenged. Some areas are open for negotiation. Your teen may be reluctant to tell you many things. Read between the lines. Look for clues. They may be struggling with peer pressure. Respect your teen. Your attitude and approach is critical when addressing your teenagers about negative peer influences. Help them evaluate their peer group. Discuss your concerns. Shut down negative influences when you see that your teen is taking on bad attitudes, language, and behaviors that could lead to serious problems. Do this in love. See my newsletter (Vol. 3 No. 1) on handling your teens suspected of substance abuse. Look for the warning signs which include drastic changes or unusual behaviors. Attitudes of defiance, sustained power struggles, anger, sullenness, withdrawal, inordinate time on the phone, seclusive, secretive behaviors, constant lying, and slipping out at night could be alcohol and drug related. It takes more than “just saying no.” Confront your teen and seek professional help for substance abuse. Get involved. Help them understand the damaging affects of substance abuse and stop. Teens who spend massive amounts of unaccounted for time alone with the opposite sex may be sexually active. Approach them with love and concern when you suspect they are sexually active. Talk straight about the disastrous consequences physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually for engaging in premarital sex. Sexual relationships outside marriage are destined for hardship and serious tribulations. You may have to take drastic measures to help them shut down their sexual acting out. You cannot ground them forever but you can block them from certain activities while they live with you. Don’t withdraw your love from them. Tell them you disapprove and will make every effort to protect them.

Protect your teens from internet pornography. Suspect internet pornography when you see many of the signs listed above. There will be a heaviness and burden in their spirit. They will seem preoccupied, distant, and spend a lot of time alone. Talk candidly with them. Get them professional Christian help. Help him or her guard their mind, body and spirit. Monitor your teenager’s music, movie and television viewing. Don’t let them listen to or watch degrading and corrupt things that will pull them away from God and the Christian life. Talk straight with them about your concerns and then remove them from these materials. Intervene when you know things are headed in a bad direction with these activities.

Draw the same lines with their clothes too. Help your children develop responsibilities before they become teenagers. Hold the line in love as you discipline and help shape responsible behavior. Do not spoil them or bail them out of trouble. Live responsibility in front of them. Help them build on successes. Readjust as they go back and forth before they are ready to advance with more privileges. Help them look inside by making processing responses geared at highlighting their feelings. “Moving forward is a little scary.” This helps them develop internal motivation. Hold them accountable without long drawn out wars. Do not let your teen run your house. Address defiance, rebellion, disrespect, and aggressive behaviors. Process the situation and their emotions. Hold them accountable with consequences. Pray for your teenager. Heal damaged relationships. Make the first move. Proceed slowly, prayerfully, and patiently. Relationship repair work takes time. Admit your mistakes and faults. Forgive them. Forgiveness is the key to healing. Let God guide you in this process. You will survive your teenagers’ years. Reevaluate regulations as you progress. Let go as your teen becomes older and more responsible. Stay close to God every step of the way. Enlist the support from the church, your youth pastor, and other Godly parents of teenagers. Get professional Christian counseling if you find yourself completely overwhelmed, exhausted, and overrun. Seek help for your teens if they are depressed, addicted, seriously acting out, and do not respond to you.

The Blessing
Bless your children and teenagers. Let them carry a warm, loving, accepting image of you in their head. Choose to live and be a blessing for them. They receive the blessing from you when you affirm, accept, and value them. Do this with words and prayers before God. Do like the Patriarchs of old. Bless and dedicate them to God.

This deep approval and commitment from you before God blesses them richly. They will know and feel the blessing from you deep down inside. Do this with your words, actions, prayers, and relationship with them. They will go through life knowing you love them. God will sanctify, provide for, and bless them. Your teenagers will carry this blessing into eternity with Christ! Don’t hold back. Give them your blessing. God honors your prayers. He will bless them. They will be blessed, not cursed.

PARENTING TEENS – Issues & Challenges Part 1

April 11, 2021 by Steve Rossi – The Christian Counselor in Houston, Texas

This comes from a newsletter I did in 2005 but the issues and principles of parenting teens still apply today.

Some folks cringe when they hear the word “teenager.” Others have fond memories of their own teen years and welcome the challenge of raising their own adolescents. Most parents agree that the teen years are difficult, frustrating, and challenging. Some parents will readily admit that their children’s teen years were painful, disastrous, and full of tension and family conflict. Nevertheless, we survive parenting our teens through those turbulent years. Some of us come out better than others, but we all make it. Parents, you don’t have to feel powerless and hopeless in raising your teenagers today or dread those years ahead when your children reach adolescence. God is good. He will give you the wisdom, tools, support, endurance, and power to raise healthy children from birth through young adulthood. You will make it with Him! This newsletter and the next one will help you understand and parent your teens today. We are called to be Godly parents. It is a tremendous privilege and responsibility to parent children. We are the stewards of the next generation or possibly the last generation before Christ returns! I am convinced we are living in the end times. The world is more depraved than ever, and the events described in Revelation are unfolding. We need to understand our teenagers and equip them so they can thrive spiritually, morally, emotionally, and psychologically in a decadent society. We need to be proactive! Children and adolescents need courageous, Godly parents who are not afraid to rise up against the wave of evil and deception in our world today.

Healthy Teens
Your primary goal is to raise healthy children and teenagers who thrive and grow into loveable, capable, effective, Godly adults. What does a healthy teen look like? They are not perfect and they are not exactly like us. They are different but well adjusted overall. Healthy teenagers are equipped to deal with and handle life in Christ. They respond positively to challenges. They have few emotional difficulties. Healthy teenagers are balanced emotionally and spiritually. They are confident in their abilities. They handle crises, tragedies, and stress well. Healthy teens rebound from setbacks and failures. They have relatively few fears. They have strong positive relationships with peers, and are socially adept. Healthy adolescents are motivated to achieve in school and life. They have good problem solving skills. They are independent and responsible for the most part. They resist negative influences from their peers. Healthy teens are loving, caring, and affectionate. They also have great relationships with their parents and siblings.

The Times and Challenges
We live in troubled times. September 11th, 2001 changed us forever. We have seen more violence than ever over the last decade. Wars, terrorism, school shootings, kidnappings, sexual abuse/murder, and other serious crimes occur more frequently. Our 21st century children and teenagers live in perilous times. They live in a world full of wars, chaos, rebellion, rampant sex, pornography, gangs, gambling, drugs, alcohol, corporate scandals, and natural disasters. We live in a Godless society. Just look around. The billboards, movies, television shows, commercials, and news tell it all. Our children and teenagers are growing up in a very selfish and permissive world. They live in the “me” and “give it to me now” generation. Commercials like Burger King’s “When you do it your way, it tastes good,” Nike’s “Just Do It!” and Sprite’s “Obey your thirst.” reflect the times. They basically say, don’t be denied, do your own thing. They reflect and promote our society’s self-centered attitude. Our teenagers are under attack and pressure to conform to a world that is wasting away. They have Brittany Spears, Puff Daddy, and M&M as role models. The nuclear family is under attack. The divorce rate is 50% now. Blended families will eventually outnumber traditional families. Gay activists press for recognition and legalization of same sex marriages. Teenagers are encouraged to express themselves sexually with whoever makes them feel good, opposite or same sex relationships. You and your teens face serious challenges today. The greater the challenges, the greater the need to be proactive and respond positively and aggressively. Don’t despair, nothing is impossible with God! You can rise to the occasion with Christ.

Issues and Causes
We live in a fallen world that is falling deeper. Prayer was taken out of the school and the Ten Commandments are being removed from public places. Our world is moving further away from God each day. These issues affect your children and teenagers. Their culture pressures them to be self absorbed, self-oriented, and conform to it’s beliefs. The strongest teenagers could find themselves compromising their values and beliefs. This happens with adults! There’s tremendous stress and pressure on families today. Busy schedules push families beyond their limits. High conflict families are prevalent today. This usually includes pre and post divorce families as well as blended and single parent families. It includes families with serious marriage problems, personality clashes, boundary issues, acting out children and teens, poor conflict-resolution and communication skills, anger problems, substance abuse, financial troubles, resentments, and disconnection from God. Father absence, uninvolved fathers, and conflicted father-child relationships create significant problems for teenagers. Fathers can bless or curse their children with their relationships. Father-starved children and adolescents become stunted emotionally and have trouble making life transitions. Father hunger, father wounds and the wounded father within, cause a lot of problems for children and teenagers. They have an affective craving for their father to hold them, affirm them and spend time with them (father hunger). The father wound created by father/child problems gets passed onto the child. The child carries his father’s wound (wounded father within). Unresolved individual and relational problems can contribute to significant conflict in families and teenagers. Hurts, wounds, and unfinished business can be passed from one generation to the next. A major source of pain in these families results from unforgiveness. Teenagers also feel less connected when they experience rules without relationship. Harsh discipline without warmth and love can cause serious problems in adolescents. Lack of vision and focus also generates problems. Parenting without clear direction and sense of purpose confuses and angers teenagers. Angry, unhappy, rebellious/disobedient, confused, conflicted, broken, emotionally blocked teenagers and adults can develop from the issues and problems described above. They will be a generation of teens/young adults without a sense of focus and vision. Remember, there’s hope. This can be prevented. All of this can be healed, reversed, and restored with God and your involvement.

Understanding Teens
The key issues in adolescence are: transition from childhood to adulthood; individuation (separation from parents); emotional and behavioral independence/autonomy; personal identity (“Who am I?” “What am I doing here.” and “What am I going to be?”); and sexuality. Children progress through adolescence. This is a process. Adolescence can be divided into three periods (early-ages 12-14, middle ages 15 and 16, and late-ages 17-19). Each stage has it’s own challenges. Children progress physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. They become bigger, and stronger. Their thinking moves from concrete to more abstract. They fluctuate emotionally. Spiritually, teenagers go from basic understanding to higher levels of knowing and believing. They question God as they grow in their relationship with Him. Teenagers can be difficult. They may not talk much, appear distant, push you away, have an “attitude,” and be hard to reach, but they need you. Teenagers need specific things from you. They need to be validated, accepted and made to feel worth while by you. They need to be connected to you and especially to their peers. Teens need to be loved, nurtured, and encouraged no matter what. They need to separate more from you so they can develop on their own. They need to have more freedom, to gradually branch out, and to be trusted more. They need for you to have faith in them. Transitions and milestones come. These include puberty, interest in the opposite sex, driver’s license, jobs, graduations, and eventually leaving home. The goal of parenting is to help your children move through adolescence, encouraging and supporting more independence and self-functioning. This is a challenge for all parents. It brings sadness and joy to see your child become his own person and move on. Parents feel the loss, and emptiness (empty nest). The goal from the day they are born was to raise them to leave some day. It’s sad but joyful. Many parents make the mistake of viewing their teenagers as “little adults.” They expect them to act like adults in their maturing bodies. Teenagers are in transition, just like adults, but more so. View them as “big kids” growing up. This view will eliminate a lot of anger, pressure, frustration and confusion.

Relationships The Bedrock of Healthy Parenting
Your relationship with your children is critical in raising them. You cannot be a highly effective parent and raise healthy, Godly children without good, strong, loving, Godly relationships with them. The parent-child relationship is extremely important, unique, and powerful in shaping a child (Also See S. Rossi Newsletters: Volumes 1, No. 4, 3, No. 2, 5, No. 3, and 7, No. 1). Your interactions, words, and time with your children determine the quality of your relationship with them. Great parent-child relationships produce great kids. The father-child relationship seriously impacts his children’s lives. This relationship affects his children’s values, beliefs, self-concept, motivation, academic and vocational success, sexuality, adult relationships, their future parenting and personal effectiveness in the world. Father absence, disengagement, weak, poor, conflicted, or no father-child relationship, damages children. Children need their father’s physical touch, emotional involvement, and interaction. They need his affection. Father hunger develops without it. Father-starved children are usually stunted emotionally and have trouble making life transitions. The father’s warm, loving, caring, closeness builds self-confidence in his children. His children feel worthy and important. Boys develop a healthy male identity and real masculinity. Strong father-son relationships prepare boys to become excellent, loving husbands and fathers. Girls with healthy father daughter relationships look for the same qualities in their future husbands. Healthy father-daughter relationships help girls appreciate their femininity and relate to men appropriately. Strong, Godly father child relationships promote spiritual growth, empower, and equip their teenagers to face life’s adversities courageously. Mother-child relationships are important too. These relationships provide the fundamental nurturance and security every child needs early in life. Grow strong relationships with your teenagers. Remain involved in all types of activities with them, give them your time. Don’t just set limits. Share your joys, feelings, frustrations, and excitement. Admit your mistakes. Develop loving, supportive relationships. Help your teens look within themselves as you share your feelings with them. Connect with them. Believe in your teenagers. Resolve any tension in your relationship. Heal any brokenness. Assess relationship problems, needs, and commit to change. You will not labor in vain. God will bless your work in this area.

Anger

March 7, 2021 by Steve Rossi – The Christian Counselor in Houston, Texas

Cindy couldn’t take it any more. Her boss constantly demeaned her.
She was nice to him. Cindy broke down today and exploded on him with
all kinds of vulgarities. She felt terrible afterwards. People call Bill a
“hothead.” He radiates anger every where he goes. He is mean. Bill
grumbles in the grocery store checkout line, the movie theater, and the
doctor’s office. Last week the police handcuffed Bill and took him to jail
after a road rage incident. He ran a person off the road who accidentally
pulled in front of him. Sam lost his temper last night with his five year-old
daughter, Becky. He yelled at her for dropping her plate at the dinner table.
She left the room in tears – another family dinner was ruined. Paul is a
meticulous. mild-mannered guy who seems friendly, but is seething with
anger on the inside. He does nut handle frustrations well. You wouldn’t
know it by his actions, but he is consumed with anger. He is constantly
preoccupied with violence, thinks negative self-defeating thoughts, and is
depressed. He has an ulcer too.

Anger is a complex subject. There are many definitions, expressions, types,
sources, and causes of anger. The few scenarios described above happen
every day all over the world. Some people say that anger is not bad and
should be expressed, while others think anger is a destructive force that
should be avoided at all costs. Counseling offices, prisons, divorce courts,
pastors’ offices, psychiatric hospitals, and juvenile detention centers are
filled with angry people. Anger is the number one cause of damaged
marriages, abused children, and violence in the home, school. and work-
place. Anger is an emotional response which usually results from a frustra-
tion or blocked need. l t can be explosive or expressed more subtly as in
irritability and cynicism. Anger may act as an alarm, especially when some-
one pushes your “button” of guilt, or pain from unresolved hurts.

“I’m mad too Eddie!”
I remember the bumper stickers several years ago rhar said ‘Tm mad roo
Eddie.” Everyone rallied f,ir Eddie. We live in an angry society. People are
ready t,> unload. Unfortunately, many people ro.lav snuggle with anger.
They have issues. Unresolved anger can lead tu serious problems. People
murder in fits of rage. Anger can lead to health problems, Some people
erupt like volcanoes, while others are like smoldering fires with their
anger, hot and ready to ignite. We really have a problem when we have a
whole society with anger issues! So many people arc just waiting to jump
on the “bandwagon” over some’ issue or situation. They are ready to be
“mad too Eddie.” Sometime, it’s easier to be angry than ro feel the pain or
work through problems. Most people du not have lingering, unrcsolved
anger. Many people do. Anger is a normal reaction when you have been
attacked. or threatened, especially by terrorists. I am not referring w that
type of anger.

The Problem with Anger
There are different types of anger. People get: mad for different reasons.
Sources of anger include: feelings ,if helplessness or powerlessness in
having certain goals or desires thwarted; when a person does not experien-
ce love; when there is harshness in rclnn.mships. fear as the base of anger;
violation of a covenant, and low self-esteem.

Anger doesn’t just happen. Certain thoughts and perceptions precede
angry outbursts. The same situation may affect two people differently.
The difference lies in their interpretation of perceived threat, loss, or
injury. For example, I may not: he bothered by someone interrupting my
conversation with John, but Fred may feel totally violated and considerably annoyed. Fred gets angry and responds rudely.
He may have a family history of interruptions and patterns of retaliation.
Fred’s tolerance level is much less than mine. Fred could have some
unresolved anger related to feeling controlled. Anger is good when it is
expressed appropriately and motivates people to resolve problems. Anger
expressed negatively. harshly, or violently is bad. This type of anger creates
more problems than solutions. Trust may be reduced or lost. Personal
effectiveness is diminished and relationships with others are damaged or
destroyed. Anger in the work place can lead to strained relationships
lowered productivity, and sometimes violence. Inappropriarc, uncontrolled, or repressed anger can
generate serious problems physically, mentally. and spiritually. Resentment
and anger dims our spiritual vision. Anger can turn rn a depressed,
defeated spirit. Anger can give Satan a foothold, especially with unforgive-
ness (II Cor. 2: 10- ll). Anger can hinder prayer (] Tim. 2:S). Anger can also
numb or block us from experiencing God’s love. It hinders our relationship
with God. Sinful anger controls us and hurts others. Anger becomes destruct-
tive when we hold grudµes or resentments roward people. Ir occurs when
we harbor unforgiveness. Sinful anger is self-righteousness and the to oppo-
site of Godly righteous anger.

Healthy Anger
Healthy anger occurs when a person uses their anger to settle matters
productively. Assertive people look for alternatives. Assertive anger helps
others. Ir cares ,1bllut: the urher person. It values forgiveness. Aggressive
anger punishes others, it’s demanding, judgmental, and condemning.
Aggressive anger usually has high expectations of people, is self-centered,
and fails to see it’s own weakness. Assertive people use their anger to
accomplish a positive outcome. It: is anger without “an attitude”. Healthy
anger builds people up, restores trust, and solves problems. Healthy anger
does no harm, it glorifies God.

Resolution
Resolution involves working through anger issues. lt goes beyond anger
management. Resolution deals with root causes of anger. Unresolved hurts
can predispose people to have problems with anger. They react angrily to
frustrations. Resolution enables people t, i move beyond their pain and
hurts. Anger resolution provides understanding and healing. Some people
inherit anger from their parents. Bitterness, resentment, unforgiveness, and critical demeanor gets passed on from one generation to the next. Some are addicted to anger. They are hooked on the
adrenaline rush they experience when they go into rage. Deep healing and
resolution from unresolved hurts comes from Christ. Counseling centered on Him enables people to work
through their hurts, move toward to forgiveness, grieve, heal, and let go.
Complete resolution involves forgiving the other person and yourself 100%. True forgiveness is supernatural – without God it is True forgiveness is supernatural – without God it is impossible to really
forgive.

Biblical Anger
Jesus cleared the temple (Luke 19:45-46). He was angry because the people
where selling in a place of worship. This is righteous anger. He was mad
because the people violated a covenant with God. The Bible is clear about
anger. We are to be angry but not sin (Ephes. 4:26). We are also supposed
to resolve anger before the day is done. “Don’t let the sun go down on your
anger.(Ephes. -H 1- 3 2 ). God’s Word says allot about sin and blowing up.
Proverbs arc full of statements illustrating the consequences of uncon-
trolled anger (Prov. 14:29. 15:18, 19:19, 25:28, 29:11, 29:22). We are warned
against associating with people given to anger, that we may become like
them (Prov, 22:24,25). We are encouraged to restrain our anger, to overlook
offenses (Prov. 19: 11 ). James reminds us to be quick to hear, slow to speak,
and slow to anger (James l: 19, 20). Biblical anger does not harm, it states the injustice and restores relationships. The ultimate goal is resolution and reconciliation.

Management
1. It’s impossible to live this life without getting angry over someone or
something. Everyone gets angry from time to time. There are ways
to manage anger.
2. Admit anger. Don’t deny it. Face it. Avoid an angrv mindset.
3. Express it calmly. Get your point: across. Do not explode. React slowly.
4. Look for the triggers. Watch for those things that upset you.
5. Deal with anger before you get angry.
6. Get more information before you respond.
7. Become aware of displaced anger.
8. Evaluate your angry feelings. Consider the sources of your anger.
9.  Remember anger is a choice. You make you angry. Ir’s your response.
10. Diffuse the time bomb of anger.
11. Don’t put off expressing what you feel for long periods , for a long time.
12. Do nor withdraw into silence.
13. Be open to criticism.
14. Deal with your anger verbally.
15. Learn to discipline your mind.
16. Learn to express your expectations verbally. Learn self-control.
17. Walk away, cool down, and come back later.                                                                                                                                           17.Walk
18.   Don’t accuse or attack the other person. Use I statements.
19.   Attack the problem not: the person. Be solution oriented.
20.   Redirect anger from within toward the problem.
21.   Learn to hold your temper, be slow tu anger. Count to 50.
22.   State your hurt or complaints as objectively as possible.
23.   After ynu recognize and admit you are angry, you must decide to
change.
24.   Focus on humility, confession, and forgiveness.
25.   Remind yourself that God is in control.
26.   Ask yourself, what would Jesus do?
27.   Plan ahead. Control the tongue (James 3:2-18).
Choose how you will respond.
28.   Consider seeking counsel from a wise friend, pastor, or counselor.
29.   Be honest about how you foe!
30.   Rebuke in love. For a loving purpose. In a loving manner.
31.   Seek the heir of God in prayer the moment of temptation.
32.   Monitor feelings, thoughts, reactions. Seek to live a Godly life.
33.   You can choose to say no to angry feelings. This cannot be done on your own.
34.   Jesus must be a controlling force in your lite (Charle, Stanley. 1997).

Angry reactions can be prevented too. Make decisions in advance about
how you will handle certain situations coming up chat could make you
angry. Relax, weigh the consequences. Avoid anger arousing situations.
Learn to confront in love.

Freedom
Bad things happen all the rime. We will never be totally fret: from anger-
provoking situations in this lite. People will lie, cheat, disappoint, frustrate and inconvenience us. \Y./c will get angry. Do we let our anger control us? Anger is a choice (Lahaye/Philltps 1982). We don’t
have to live in bondage to anger and untorgiveness. We can seek God for
His help in handling troubling situations. His way works! Lay your troubles
before God. Freedom and peace in Christ come when we surrender our
anger to Him. Freedom from anger comes when we forgive as we have
been forgiven by Christ. Let God help you with the process of forgiveness.
You don’t have to carry the anger. The more we see others through God’s
eyes, by abiding in Him, the more free we are to love. This is the way we
keep the sun from going down on our anger. This is freedom!