Christian Counseling in Houston Texas

DEPRESSION

July 25, 2021 by Steve Rossi – The Christian Counselor in Houston, Texas

This post comes is a from a newsletter I did twenty years ago. The fundamental principles and basic treatments still apply today. There have been advancements in medical treatments for depression as well as refined psychotherapeutic approaches to helping people address underlying issues and overcome it.

Have you ever felt sad, empty, unmotivated, and pessimistic for several weeks? Do you know someone who looks dejected and admits feeling hopeless about his/her life? They lack the initiative and stamina to face the day. Have you ever known someone who struggled seriously with feelings of guilt, shame, worthlessness, self-criticism, discourage- ment, and low self-esteem. Depression takes many shapes and forms and varies from one individual to the next.
Depression is worldwide and affects individuals of all ages, including infancy (Collins, 1988). Depression is more than the blues or the blahs, or normal ups and downs. When that down mood lasts for more than a couple weeks, the condition may be clinical depression. Depression is the number one mental health problem in America, affecting 17 million people a year. Women tend to be affected four times as much as men by depression. It is more common in adults, but it is increasing among teenagers.

COMMON SYMPTOMS
Adults:
• Loss of Interest in Normal Daily Activities
• Feelings of Sadness, Helplessness, Hopelessness
• Apathy, Inertia and Fatigue
• Lack of Interest in Work, Sex, Religion, Hobbies
• Low Self-Esteem
• Self-Criticism, Feelings of Guilt, Shame, Worthlessness
• Loss of Spontaneity
• Sleep Disturbances
• Impaired Thinking and Concentration
• Loss of Appetite
• Thoughts of Death
Adolescents:
• Low Self-Esteem
• Tearfulness
• Withdrawal
• Drop in Grades
• Trouble- making At School
• Difficulty Maintaining Relationships
• Reduced Physical Activity
• Morbid Obsession with Death or Dying
• Serious Fingernail Biting
• Self-Destructive Behavior
• Episodes of Irritability for Weeks At A Time
• Disinterest in Hygiene and Personal Appearance
• Eating Disorders
• Sexual Promiscuity
• Drug and Alcohol Abuse
Children:
• Crying, Feeling Sad, Helpless, or Hopeless
• Feeling Discouraged or Worthless
• Loss of Interest or Pleasure in Most Activities
• Takes Much Longer to Finish Homework
• Fatigue and Loss of Energy Nearly Everyday
• Bad Temper, Irritable, Easily Annoyed
• Fearful, Tense, Anxious
• Repeated Rejection by Other Children
• Drop in School Performance
• Inability to Sit Still
• Repeated Emotional Out- bursts, Shouting or Complaining
• Doesn’t Talk to Other Children
• Repeated Physical Complaints (Headaches, Stomach Aches)
• Significant Increase or Decrease in Appetite
• Change in Sleep Habits
• May Also Have Diagnosis of ADHD or Learning Disabilities
• Suicidal Thoughts, Feelings or Self Damaging Behavior
• Abuse or Prolonged Use of Alcohol or Drugs

Symptoms and Causes
There are different types of depression. Reactive depression comes as a reaction to a real or imagined trauma or loss. People with reactive depression usually have high levels of anxiety. Reactive depression is usually short in duration and self-corrective (Collins 1988). Endogenous depression arises spontaneously from within the individual. This depression typically involves intense feelings of despair, self-destructive tendencies, persists for a long period of time, is more resistant to treatment, and has a high recurrence rate. Primary depression occurs by itself and secondary depression results as a side effect of some medication, one’s diet, or an illness like cancer or diabetes. When there is one or more episodes of depression as the primary disorder, it is referred to as unipolar. Bipolar depression involves periods of mania cycling with depressive behavior. Depression covers a wide variety of symptoms that differ in severity, frequency, duration, and origin. It usually involves feelings of gloom or sadness, accompanied by a slowing down of the body (Hart, 1993). The effects of depression range from minor (some sadness) immobilization to a massive shut down of one’s ability to function (complete despair and hopelessness). Severe depression can overwhelm a person with fear, exhaustion, apathy, and inner desperation. Depression can lead to unhappiness and inefficiency. Depressed people
often feel self-critical, and miserable.

Consequently, they are indecisive, lack enthusiasm, and energy to do even the simplest things. Depression involving grief or loneliness often lowers the body’s immune system. These individuals are more susceptible to illnesses, and more likely to get sick. Low self-esteem and withdrawal are also effects of depression. Many depressed people escape into drugs, alcohol, novels and television. Some seriously consider suicide as an escape from life and their intense emotional pain, and try to kill themselves. Suicide attempts, for others, are an unconscious cry for help. Masked depression can be revealed in different ways. It may come out in physical symptoms and complaints, aggressive actions and angry outbursts, impulsive behavior (including gambling, drinking, violence, destructiveness, or impulsive sex), accident proneness, compulsive work, and sexual problems. Depression can mimic health problems involving the central nervous and gastric systems, muscular, heart, respiratory and skin problems (Hart, 1993).

Depression can mask itself with anger, headaches, backaches, fatigue, irritability, and hypersensitivity. Depression is harder to diagnose in adolescents and children than in adults. Adolescents are less likely to realize they are depressed and less likely to seek help. Look for drastic changes in their behavior. Children have more difficulty expressing their feelings in words. Depressed children usually become irritable, act out, and have temper tantrums. There are many causes of depression. Some people have a biological-physical base. Some depression runs in families. Depression can also be physiologically based as in post adrealin depression that comes to people who have just had an emotional high. Developmental, psychological, interpersonal, spiritual, and non-physical influences are at the basis of much depression. Childhood experiences such as separation, abuse, unstable homes, apathetic or volatile family relationships can predispose people to depression. Divorce, death, prolonged separations, failure, life stresses and major disappoint- ments are powerful depression producing life events. Cognitive views of depression believe that a person’s thinking determines how they feel. Negative views of the world, life experiences, oneself, and the future contribute significantly to depression. Hurt and anger that is denied, kept within, and turned in toward oneself can lead to depression too. Personality traits like having low self-esteem, being overly dependent, self-critical, pessimistic, and easily overwhelmed by stress, can predispose a person to depression. Alcohol, nicotine and drug abuse also contribute to depression and anxiety disorders.

Overcoming Depression
No two people experience depression the same way. Rule out physical causes with a good medical evaluation if you get depressed regularly without any apparent cause. If it is a minor depression, accept it and allow yourself to go through it. If you feel your depression is more serious: identify the loss with all its implications; accept the loss; do the grieving; and try to put the loss in some perspective. Move forward with your life at your own rate. Know that this shall pass and that God is walking with you through the Valley of the Shadow of Death. Trust God to bring you through it. Identify and understand your depression, take steps to get help, seek others and professional help, to guide you through the process. Realize that depression is a natural response to stress, loss, and agonizing disappointments. Remain open to the approaches and help offered. Remember that you have had success over depression in the past, and there is a multitude of people out there who can testify that they overcame depression. It
takes work and trusting God no matter what.

Treatment

Eighty to ninety percent of people with depression can be helped. Symptoms can be relieved quickly with psychological therapies, medications, or a combination of both. The most important and difficult step toward treating depression is asking for help. Psychotherapy and counseling focus on making significant personality changes and providing guidance and insight in dealing with problems. This form of treatment addresses the causes of depression. Therapy helps people review their background, past influences and family pressures that create depression. It also helps them process stress emanating from loss, conflict, failure, and relationship difficulties. Counseling helps eliminate anger, guilt, and negative thinking. People don’t just snap out of depression! Effective therapy encourages clients to reevaluate depression-producing thoughts and attitudes toward life. The therapist helps the depressed person look at their expectations, attitudes, values, and assumptions. Medication deals with the physiology. Antidepressant medication for treatment of endogenous and reactive depression can relieve symptoms, help the person process
and deal with the factors and causes of the depression more effectively.

Hope
People in the Bible like Job, Moses, Jonah, Elijah, David, Peter, and the Israelite Nation, all experienced depression. Elijah fled into the wilderness where he plunged into despondency. He wanted to die. David’s songs of despair offer hope in Psalms 69, 88, and 102. He expresses both depression and rejoicing in Psalm 43: “Why are you so downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.” Even Jesus expressed great grief and depression in his agony before daylight in the Garden of Gethsemane. The Bible says He was full of sorrow, to the point of death. (Matt. 26:38). Numerous references to pain and grieving throughout the Bible illustrate the hope in God. Each of the believers who plummeted into depression eventually came through and were renewed with a lasting joy. It is not surprising that Christians experience depression in a fallen world. God often uses depression to bring us into a closer relationship with Him. God brings meaning and healing from depression and suffering. He offers help and hope. Jesus says “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle, and you will find rest for your souls”(Matt. 11:28). Real healing and victorious living come from God. There is comfort in the following Bible verses. “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted, and he saves those whose spirits are crushed” (Psalm 34:18). “Find rest, O my soul, in God alone: my hope comes from Him” (Psalm 62:5). There is hope, because He is Hope. God is our greatest hope in overcoming depression and living a victorious life, now and forever. “May the God of Hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy
Spirit” (Rom. 15:13).

Parenting Teens: Approach and Solutions – Part 2

June 13, 2021 by Steve Rossi – The Christian Counselor in Houston, Texas

This comes from a newsletter I did in 2006 but the approach and solutions for parenting teens still apply today.

It’s an awesome privilege and challenge to raise children today. We’re not just raising kids, we’re raising future fathers and mothers! Children and teenagers need specific things from their parents to become well adjusted Godly adults. Most children are easier to manage than adolescents. Adolescence is another realm. You will need to promote growth in your teenagers too. What are the right limits and boundaries? How do you guide your teenagers without over controlling them? What does it mean to discipline in love? What are the best ways to handle academic issues, peer influences, drinking, drugs, sex, the internet, music, TV, and responsibilities? What about the rebellious, disrespectful, aggressive teen? How do you handle them? Do you have a high conflict family? How do you change and heal strained and damaged family relationships? Don’t lose hope! You can approach these trials and tribulations with confidence and effectiveness. You can parent your teens with God’s power and grace. You will have His peace. You will survive and flourish. Your teenagers need your blessing to really make it in life.

They need your affirmation, acceptance, and love to go forward. Have you raised your children and teenagers God’s way? Are there any lingering conflicts or issues that still need to be addressed and resolved with your children?

Promoting Growth
This begins long before the adolescent years. It starts the day your child is born, through your touch, words, and behaviors. What is your vision for your child? How do you see him or her? What kind of person would you like your child or teenager to become? Develop your vision for them by relating to them in ways that ultimately promote growth. Most parents want their children to be Godly, law-abiding citizens. They want children who appreciate and love them and believe in themselves. Tell your children and teenagers you love them and that they are important to you. Tell them and show them that you believe in them. Give them opportunities to grow. Let them do things, make mistakes, and gain competence and confidence in their abilities. Teach them to do things around the house that require stretching their comfort zones. Let them mow the lawn, watch their younger siblings, go in the store to pick up a few things, help organize a garage sale, etc. Connect with them. Develop a strong healthy bond. Spend time doing things with them. Take them places. Enjoy their company. Listen to what they have to say. Interact with them in ways that let them know you like connecting with them. Don’t be their friend. Be their parent. Don’t always teach or preach to them. Your relationship with them is everything. Teens are pulling away, expect some opposition, let go a little but keep an open, strong, ongoing relationship with them. Keep the lines of communication open. Listen intently, understand what they are saying and meaning. Talk plainly to them. Provide guidance. Promote growth in your teens by giving them direction. Help them think things through. Help them look at different possibilities and outcomes. Don’t make their decisions for them. Don’t lecture. Let them talk. Share your childhood experiences. Listen and engage them. Discuss their current and future challenges. Offer support. Help them evaluate their thinking, decisions, and behavior. Affirm, accept, and value them. Do this with your words and actions. Forgive them, no matter what their transgressions, as Christ has forgiven you. Do not hold grudges. Help your teenager strengthen at each stage of his journey, building, letting him do more, and letting go. Address your own issues and problems like anger, unforgiveness, past hurts, abuse, etc.

Guidance, Limits, and Boundaries
Guide and discipline your teenagers with love. Raise them in a Godly manner. Avoid disciplining your teenagers out of anger, anxiety or convenience. Model, teach, and promote behaviors that glorify Christ. Do this in a firm but loving way. Younger children and teens need more direct involvement from you. Older ones need less. The primary goal is to help them develop self-discipline and become responsible. Help them see and evaluate their choices. Help them
develop the freedom to make choices within well defined limits established by you. Expand the parameters as they show more responsible choices and behavior. Use words like, “I see you decided, chose, or elected to…” when helping them see their thinking and how they set up certain situations. Teenagers need structure and stability. They need predictable routines. Maintain structures and routines like dinners, family time, church attendance, recreational activities, etc. Vary your approach to match the different dispositions and personalities of your teens. Some children are more sensitive than others. Do not be extremely strict or permissive.

Don’t compromise your Christian values. Remain steadfast on the non negotiables. Avoid power struggles. Provide positive and negative consequences. Teach conflict resolution skills. Model and help your teen go through conflict resolution steps in handling difficult people and situations. Teach them to: identify the problem; state the problem clearly; attack the problem (not the person); take turns talking about the problem; review the options; review their feelings; explain reasons; review the problem, feelings, proposed solutions, and expected outcomes. Stick to your decision in implementing specific solutions to problems. Don’t waiver. Handle your anger and frustration appropriately when working with your teenagers. Express your thoughts and feelings calmly and clearly. Deescalate angry teens. Let them leave the room and return when they are more composed. Model good anger management and resolution skills. Build character in your children and teens. Build strong relationships with your teenagers first. This takes time, involvement, and doing things together. Love them. Acknowledge and encourage your teens. Build Godly character into them patterned after Christ.

Handling Specific Conflict Areas
Parenting teenagers with academic problems can be extremely challenging. Underachievement and school failure often leads to explosive arguments and bad feelings between parents and their teens. See my two newsletters on this topic for more detailed information and interventions (Vol.1 No. 3, Vol. 1 No. 4).

Create a positive atmosphere to discuss grades and set academic goals with your teenagers. Do this in a calm, loving manner. It’s not about the grades when your teens underachieve or fail. They consciously and subconsciously sabotage themselves. It’s not “laziness” but real concerns and fears that motivate them to do so poorly in school. Most of the time they are struggling with growing up and moving forward in life. Some struggle with the fear of success and others with the fear of failure. Processing responses like “It‘s hard to manage so much.” help them understand their feelings and look at their fears. Use examining responses like “I see that you choose not to do your work.” “It’s interesting that you decided to be late today.” “You seem angry about something.” These responses help them go beyond their defenses and see how they set up the conditions that lead to underachievement. Review their choices, feelings and behavior without getting hooked. Hold them accountable. Set firm limits and consequences for irresponsibility in handling their academics. Refrain from long arguments and excessive punishments. Don’t overdo it with groundings.

Address parent-child issues too. Communication problems are common between parents and teens. The goal is to transition from rule setting to giving advice. Clearly communicate your position on key issues. Keep it simple and direct. Don’t give in when you are challenged. Some areas are open for negotiation. Your teen may be reluctant to tell you many things. Read between the lines. Look for clues. They may be struggling with peer pressure. Respect your teen. Your attitude and approach is critical when addressing your teenagers about negative peer influences. Help them evaluate their peer group. Discuss your concerns. Shut down negative influences when you see that your teen is taking on bad attitudes, language, and behaviors that could lead to serious problems. Do this in love. See my newsletter (Vol. 3 No. 1) on handling your teens suspected of substance abuse. Look for the warning signs which include drastic changes or unusual behaviors. Attitudes of defiance, sustained power struggles, anger, sullenness, withdrawal, inordinate time on the phone, seclusive, secretive behaviors, constant lying, and slipping out at night could be alcohol and drug related. It takes more than “just saying no.” Confront your teen and seek professional help for substance abuse. Get involved. Help them understand the damaging affects of substance abuse and stop. Teens who spend massive amounts of unaccounted for time alone with the opposite sex may be sexually active. Approach them with love and concern when you suspect they are sexually active. Talk straight about the disastrous consequences physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually for engaging in premarital sex. Sexual relationships outside marriage are destined for hardship and serious tribulations. You may have to take drastic measures to help them shut down their sexual acting out. You cannot ground them forever but you can block them from certain activities while they live with you. Don’t withdraw your love from them. Tell them you disapprove and will make every effort to protect them.

Protect your teens from internet pornography. Suspect internet pornography when you see many of the signs listed above. There will be a heaviness and burden in their spirit. They will seem preoccupied, distant, and spend a lot of time alone. Talk candidly with them. Get them professional Christian help. Help him or her guard their mind, body and spirit. Monitor your teenager’s music, movie and television viewing. Don’t let them listen to or watch degrading and corrupt things that will pull them away from God and the Christian life. Talk straight with them about your concerns and then remove them from these materials. Intervene when you know things are headed in a bad direction with these activities.

Draw the same lines with their clothes too. Help your children develop responsibilities before they become teenagers. Hold the line in love as you discipline and help shape responsible behavior. Do not spoil them or bail them out of trouble. Live responsibility in front of them. Help them build on successes. Readjust as they go back and forth before they are ready to advance with more privileges. Help them look inside by making processing responses geared at highlighting their feelings. “Moving forward is a little scary.” This helps them develop internal motivation. Hold them accountable without long drawn out wars. Do not let your teen run your house. Address defiance, rebellion, disrespect, and aggressive behaviors. Process the situation and their emotions. Hold them accountable with consequences. Pray for your teenager. Heal damaged relationships. Make the first move. Proceed slowly, prayerfully, and patiently. Relationship repair work takes time. Admit your mistakes and faults. Forgive them. Forgiveness is the key to healing. Let God guide you in this process. You will survive your teenagers’ years. Reevaluate regulations as you progress. Let go as your teen becomes older and more responsible. Stay close to God every step of the way. Enlist the support from the church, your youth pastor, and other Godly parents of teenagers. Get professional Christian counseling if you find yourself completely overwhelmed, exhausted, and overrun. Seek help for your teens if they are depressed, addicted, seriously acting out, and do not respond to you.

The Blessing
Bless your children and teenagers. Let them carry a warm, loving, accepting image of you in their head. Choose to live and be a blessing for them. They receive the blessing from you when you affirm, accept, and value them. Do this with words and prayers before God. Do like the Patriarchs of old. Bless and dedicate them to God.

This deep approval and commitment from you before God blesses them richly. They will know and feel the blessing from you deep down inside. Do this with your words, actions, prayers, and relationship with them. They will go through life knowing you love them. God will sanctify, provide for, and bless them. Your teenagers will carry this blessing into eternity with Christ! Don’t hold back. Give them your blessing. God honors your prayers. He will bless them. They will be blessed, not cursed.

PARENTING TEENS – Issues & Challenges Part 1

April 11, 2021 by Steve Rossi – The Christian Counselor in Houston, Texas

This comes from a newsletter I did in 2005 but the issues and principles of parenting teens still apply today.

Some folks cringe when they hear the word “teenager.” Others have fond memories of their own teen years and welcome the challenge of raising their own adolescents. Most parents agree that the teen years are difficult, frustrating, and challenging. Some parents will readily admit that their children’s teen years were painful, disastrous, and full of tension and family conflict. Nevertheless, we survive parenting our teens through those turbulent years. Some of us come out better than others, but we all make it. Parents, you don’t have to feel powerless and hopeless in raising your teenagers today or dread those years ahead when your children reach adolescence. God is good. He will give you the wisdom, tools, support, endurance, and power to raise healthy children from birth through young adulthood. You will make it with Him! This newsletter and the next one will help you understand and parent your teens today. We are called to be Godly parents. It is a tremendous privilege and responsibility to parent children. We are the stewards of the next generation or possibly the last generation before Christ returns! I am convinced we are living in the end times. The world is more depraved than ever, and the events described in Revelation are unfolding. We need to understand our teenagers and equip them so they can thrive spiritually, morally, emotionally, and psychologically in a decadent society. We need to be proactive! Children and adolescents need courageous, Godly parents who are not afraid to rise up against the wave of evil and deception in our world today.

Healthy Teens
Your primary goal is to raise healthy children and teenagers who thrive and grow into loveable, capable, effective, Godly adults. What does a healthy teen look like? They are not perfect and they are not exactly like us. They are different but well adjusted overall. Healthy teenagers are equipped to deal with and handle life in Christ. They respond positively to challenges. They have few emotional difficulties. Healthy teenagers are balanced emotionally and spiritually. They are confident in their abilities. They handle crises, tragedies, and stress well. Healthy teens rebound from setbacks and failures. They have relatively few fears. They have strong positive relationships with peers, and are socially adept. Healthy adolescents are motivated to achieve in school and life. They have good problem solving skills. They are independent and responsible for the most part. They resist negative influences from their peers. Healthy teens are loving, caring, and affectionate. They also have great relationships with their parents and siblings.

The Times and Challenges
We live in troubled times. September 11th, 2001 changed us forever. We have seen more violence than ever over the last decade. Wars, terrorism, school shootings, kidnappings, sexual abuse/murder, and other serious crimes occur more frequently. Our 21st century children and teenagers live in perilous times. They live in a world full of wars, chaos, rebellion, rampant sex, pornography, gangs, gambling, drugs, alcohol, corporate scandals, and natural disasters. We live in a Godless society. Just look around. The billboards, movies, television shows, commercials, and news tell it all. Our children and teenagers are growing up in a very selfish and permissive world. They live in the “me” and “give it to me now” generation. Commercials like Burger King’s “When you do it your way, it tastes good,” Nike’s “Just Do It!” and Sprite’s “Obey your thirst.” reflect the times. They basically say, don’t be denied, do your own thing. They reflect and promote our society’s self-centered attitude. Our teenagers are under attack and pressure to conform to a world that is wasting away. They have Brittany Spears, Puff Daddy, and M&M as role models. The nuclear family is under attack. The divorce rate is 50% now. Blended families will eventually outnumber traditional families. Gay activists press for recognition and legalization of same sex marriages. Teenagers are encouraged to express themselves sexually with whoever makes them feel good, opposite or same sex relationships. You and your teens face serious challenges today. The greater the challenges, the greater the need to be proactive and respond positively and aggressively. Don’t despair, nothing is impossible with God! You can rise to the occasion with Christ.

Issues and Causes
We live in a fallen world that is falling deeper. Prayer was taken out of the school and the Ten Commandments are being removed from public places. Our world is moving further away from God each day. These issues affect your children and teenagers. Their culture pressures them to be self absorbed, self-oriented, and conform to it’s beliefs. The strongest teenagers could find themselves compromising their values and beliefs. This happens with adults! There’s tremendous stress and pressure on families today. Busy schedules push families beyond their limits. High conflict families are prevalent today. This usually includes pre and post divorce families as well as blended and single parent families. It includes families with serious marriage problems, personality clashes, boundary issues, acting out children and teens, poor conflict-resolution and communication skills, anger problems, substance abuse, financial troubles, resentments, and disconnection from God. Father absence, uninvolved fathers, and conflicted father-child relationships create significant problems for teenagers. Fathers can bless or curse their children with their relationships. Father-starved children and adolescents become stunted emotionally and have trouble making life transitions. Father hunger, father wounds and the wounded father within, cause a lot of problems for children and teenagers. They have an affective craving for their father to hold them, affirm them and spend time with them (father hunger). The father wound created by father/child problems gets passed onto the child. The child carries his father’s wound (wounded father within). Unresolved individual and relational problems can contribute to significant conflict in families and teenagers. Hurts, wounds, and unfinished business can be passed from one generation to the next. A major source of pain in these families results from unforgiveness. Teenagers also feel less connected when they experience rules without relationship. Harsh discipline without warmth and love can cause serious problems in adolescents. Lack of vision and focus also generates problems. Parenting without clear direction and sense of purpose confuses and angers teenagers. Angry, unhappy, rebellious/disobedient, confused, conflicted, broken, emotionally blocked teenagers and adults can develop from the issues and problems described above. They will be a generation of teens/young adults without a sense of focus and vision. Remember, there’s hope. This can be prevented. All of this can be healed, reversed, and restored with God and your involvement.

Understanding Teens
The key issues in adolescence are: transition from childhood to adulthood; individuation (separation from parents); emotional and behavioral independence/autonomy; personal identity (“Who am I?” “What am I doing here.” and “What am I going to be?”); and sexuality. Children progress through adolescence. This is a process. Adolescence can be divided into three periods (early-ages 12-14, middle ages 15 and 16, and late-ages 17-19). Each stage has it’s own challenges. Children progress physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. They become bigger, and stronger. Their thinking moves from concrete to more abstract. They fluctuate emotionally. Spiritually, teenagers go from basic understanding to higher levels of knowing and believing. They question God as they grow in their relationship with Him. Teenagers can be difficult. They may not talk much, appear distant, push you away, have an “attitude,” and be hard to reach, but they need you. Teenagers need specific things from you. They need to be validated, accepted and made to feel worth while by you. They need to be connected to you and especially to their peers. Teens need to be loved, nurtured, and encouraged no matter what. They need to separate more from you so they can develop on their own. They need to have more freedom, to gradually branch out, and to be trusted more. They need for you to have faith in them. Transitions and milestones come. These include puberty, interest in the opposite sex, driver’s license, jobs, graduations, and eventually leaving home. The goal of parenting is to help your children move through adolescence, encouraging and supporting more independence and self-functioning. This is a challenge for all parents. It brings sadness and joy to see your child become his own person and move on. Parents feel the loss, and emptiness (empty nest). The goal from the day they are born was to raise them to leave some day. It’s sad but joyful. Many parents make the mistake of viewing their teenagers as “little adults.” They expect them to act like adults in their maturing bodies. Teenagers are in transition, just like adults, but more so. View them as “big kids” growing up. This view will eliminate a lot of anger, pressure, frustration and confusion.

Relationships The Bedrock of Healthy Parenting
Your relationship with your children is critical in raising them. You cannot be a highly effective parent and raise healthy, Godly children without good, strong, loving, Godly relationships with them. The parent-child relationship is extremely important, unique, and powerful in shaping a child (Also See S. Rossi Newsletters: Volumes 1, No. 4, 3, No. 2, 5, No. 3, and 7, No. 1). Your interactions, words, and time with your children determine the quality of your relationship with them. Great parent-child relationships produce great kids. The father-child relationship seriously impacts his children’s lives. This relationship affects his children’s values, beliefs, self-concept, motivation, academic and vocational success, sexuality, adult relationships, their future parenting and personal effectiveness in the world. Father absence, disengagement, weak, poor, conflicted, or no father-child relationship, damages children. Children need their father’s physical touch, emotional involvement, and interaction. They need his affection. Father hunger develops without it. Father-starved children are usually stunted emotionally and have trouble making life transitions. The father’s warm, loving, caring, closeness builds self-confidence in his children. His children feel worthy and important. Boys develop a healthy male identity and real masculinity. Strong father-son relationships prepare boys to become excellent, loving husbands and fathers. Girls with healthy father daughter relationships look for the same qualities in their future husbands. Healthy father-daughter relationships help girls appreciate their femininity and relate to men appropriately. Strong, Godly father child relationships promote spiritual growth, empower, and equip their teenagers to face life’s adversities courageously. Mother-child relationships are important too. These relationships provide the fundamental nurturance and security every child needs early in life. Grow strong relationships with your teenagers. Remain involved in all types of activities with them, give them your time. Don’t just set limits. Share your joys, feelings, frustrations, and excitement. Admit your mistakes. Develop loving, supportive relationships. Help your teens look within themselves as you share your feelings with them. Connect with them. Believe in your teenagers. Resolve any tension in your relationship. Heal any brokenness. Assess relationship problems, needs, and commit to change. You will not labor in vain. God will bless your work in this area.

Anger

March 7, 2021 by Steve Rossi – The Christian Counselor in Houston, Texas

Cindy couldn’t take it any more. Her boss constantly demeaned her.
She was nice to him. Cindy broke down today and exploded on him with
all kinds of vulgarities. She felt terrible afterwards. People call Bill a
“hothead.” He radiates anger every where he goes. He is mean. Bill
grumbles in the grocery store checkout line, the movie theater, and the
doctor’s office. Last week the police handcuffed Bill and took him to jail
after a road rage incident. He ran a person off the road who accidentally
pulled in front of him. Sam lost his temper last night with his five year-old
daughter, Becky. He yelled at her for dropping her plate at the dinner table.
She left the room in tears – another family dinner was ruined. Paul is a
meticulous. mild-mannered guy who seems friendly, but is seething with
anger on the inside. He does nut handle frustrations well. You wouldn’t
know it by his actions, but he is consumed with anger. He is constantly
preoccupied with violence, thinks negative self-defeating thoughts, and is
depressed. He has an ulcer too.

Anger is a complex subject. There are many definitions, expressions, types,
sources, and causes of anger. The few scenarios described above happen
every day all over the world. Some people say that anger is not bad and
should be expressed, while others think anger is a destructive force that
should be avoided at all costs. Counseling offices, prisons, divorce courts,
pastors’ offices, psychiatric hospitals, and juvenile detention centers are
filled with angry people. Anger is the number one cause of damaged
marriages, abused children, and violence in the home, school. and work-
place. Anger is an emotional response which usually results from a frustra-
tion or blocked need. l t can be explosive or expressed more subtly as in
irritability and cynicism. Anger may act as an alarm, especially when some-
one pushes your “button” of guilt, or pain from unresolved hurts.

“I’m mad too Eddie!”
I remember the bumper stickers several years ago rhar said ‘Tm mad roo
Eddie.” Everyone rallied f,ir Eddie. We live in an angry society. People are
ready t,> unload. Unfortunately, many people ro.lav snuggle with anger.
They have issues. Unresolved anger can lead tu serious problems. People
murder in fits of rage. Anger can lead to health problems, Some people
erupt like volcanoes, while others are like smoldering fires with their
anger, hot and ready to ignite. We really have a problem when we have a
whole society with anger issues! So many people arc just waiting to jump
on the “bandwagon” over some’ issue or situation. They are ready to be
“mad too Eddie.” Sometime, it’s easier to be angry than ro feel the pain or
work through problems. Most people du not have lingering, unrcsolved
anger. Many people do. Anger is a normal reaction when you have been
attacked. or threatened, especially by terrorists. I am not referring w that
type of anger.

The Problem with Anger
There are different types of anger. People get: mad for different reasons.
Sources of anger include: feelings ,if helplessness or powerlessness in
having certain goals or desires thwarted; when a person does not experien-
ce love; when there is harshness in rclnn.mships. fear as the base of anger;
violation of a covenant, and low self-esteem.

Anger doesn’t just happen. Certain thoughts and perceptions precede
angry outbursts. The same situation may affect two people differently.
The difference lies in their interpretation of perceived threat, loss, or
injury. For example, I may not: he bothered by someone interrupting my
conversation with John, but Fred may feel totally violated and considerably annoyed. Fred gets angry and responds rudely.
He may have a family history of interruptions and patterns of retaliation.
Fred’s tolerance level is much less than mine. Fred could have some
unresolved anger related to feeling controlled. Anger is good when it is
expressed appropriately and motivates people to resolve problems. Anger
expressed negatively. harshly, or violently is bad. This type of anger creates
more problems than solutions. Trust may be reduced or lost. Personal
effectiveness is diminished and relationships with others are damaged or
destroyed. Anger in the work place can lead to strained relationships
lowered productivity, and sometimes violence. Inappropriarc, uncontrolled, or repressed anger can
generate serious problems physically, mentally. and spiritually. Resentment
and anger dims our spiritual vision. Anger can turn rn a depressed,
defeated spirit. Anger can give Satan a foothold, especially with unforgive-
ness (II Cor. 2: 10- ll). Anger can hinder prayer (] Tim. 2:S). Anger can also
numb or block us from experiencing God’s love. It hinders our relationship
with God. Sinful anger controls us and hurts others. Anger becomes destruct-
tive when we hold grudµes or resentments roward people. Ir occurs when
we harbor unforgiveness. Sinful anger is self-righteousness and the to oppo-
site of Godly righteous anger.

Healthy Anger
Healthy anger occurs when a person uses their anger to settle matters
productively. Assertive people look for alternatives. Assertive anger helps
others. Ir cares ,1bllut: the urher person. It values forgiveness. Aggressive
anger punishes others, it’s demanding, judgmental, and condemning.
Aggressive anger usually has high expectations of people, is self-centered,
and fails to see it’s own weakness. Assertive people use their anger to
accomplish a positive outcome. It: is anger without “an attitude”. Healthy
anger builds people up, restores trust, and solves problems. Healthy anger
does no harm, it glorifies God.

Resolution
Resolution involves working through anger issues. lt goes beyond anger
management. Resolution deals with root causes of anger. Unresolved hurts
can predispose people to have problems with anger. They react angrily to
frustrations. Resolution enables people t, i move beyond their pain and
hurts. Anger resolution provides understanding and healing. Some people
inherit anger from their parents. Bitterness, resentment, unforgiveness, and critical demeanor gets passed on from one generation to the next. Some are addicted to anger. They are hooked on the
adrenaline rush they experience when they go into rage. Deep healing and
resolution from unresolved hurts comes from Christ. Counseling centered on Him enables people to work
through their hurts, move toward to forgiveness, grieve, heal, and let go.
Complete resolution involves forgiving the other person and yourself 100%. True forgiveness is supernatural – without God it is True forgiveness is supernatural – without God it is impossible to really
forgive.

Biblical Anger
Jesus cleared the temple (Luke 19:45-46). He was angry because the people
where selling in a place of worship. This is righteous anger. He was mad
because the people violated a covenant with God. The Bible is clear about
anger. We are to be angry but not sin (Ephes. 4:26). We are also supposed
to resolve anger before the day is done. “Don’t let the sun go down on your
anger.(Ephes. -H 1- 3 2 ). God’s Word says allot about sin and blowing up.
Proverbs arc full of statements illustrating the consequences of uncon-
trolled anger (Prov. 14:29. 15:18, 19:19, 25:28, 29:11, 29:22). We are warned
against associating with people given to anger, that we may become like
them (Prov, 22:24,25). We are encouraged to restrain our anger, to overlook
offenses (Prov. 19: 11 ). James reminds us to be quick to hear, slow to speak,
and slow to anger (James l: 19, 20). Biblical anger does not harm, it states the injustice and restores relationships. The ultimate goal is resolution and reconciliation.

Management
1. It’s impossible to live this life without getting angry over someone or
something. Everyone gets angry from time to time. There are ways
to manage anger.
2. Admit anger. Don’t deny it. Face it. Avoid an angrv mindset.
3. Express it calmly. Get your point: across. Do not explode. React slowly.
4. Look for the triggers. Watch for those things that upset you.
5. Deal with anger before you get angry.
6. Get more information before you respond.
7. Become aware of displaced anger.
8. Evaluate your angry feelings. Consider the sources of your anger.
9.  Remember anger is a choice. You make you angry. Ir’s your response.
10. Diffuse the time bomb of anger.
11. Don’t put off expressing what you feel for long periods , for a long time.
12. Do nor withdraw into silence.
13. Be open to criticism.
14. Deal with your anger verbally.
15. Learn to discipline your mind.
16. Learn to express your expectations verbally. Learn self-control.
17. Walk away, cool down, and come back later.                                                                                                                                           17.Walk
18.   Don’t accuse or attack the other person. Use I statements.
19.   Attack the problem not: the person. Be solution oriented.
20.   Redirect anger from within toward the problem.
21.   Learn to hold your temper, be slow tu anger. Count to 50.
22.   State your hurt or complaints as objectively as possible.
23.   After ynu recognize and admit you are angry, you must decide to
change.
24.   Focus on humility, confession, and forgiveness.
25.   Remind yourself that God is in control.
26.   Ask yourself, what would Jesus do?
27.   Plan ahead. Control the tongue (James 3:2-18).
Choose how you will respond.
28.   Consider seeking counsel from a wise friend, pastor, or counselor.
29.   Be honest about how you foe!
30.   Rebuke in love. For a loving purpose. In a loving manner.
31.   Seek the heir of God in prayer the moment of temptation.
32.   Monitor feelings, thoughts, reactions. Seek to live a Godly life.
33.   You can choose to say no to angry feelings. This cannot be done on your own.
34.   Jesus must be a controlling force in your lite (Charle, Stanley. 1997).

Angry reactions can be prevented too. Make decisions in advance about
how you will handle certain situations coming up chat could make you
angry. Relax, weigh the consequences. Avoid anger arousing situations.
Learn to confront in love.

Freedom
Bad things happen all the rime. We will never be totally fret: from anger-
provoking situations in this lite. People will lie, cheat, disappoint, frustrate and inconvenience us. \Y./c will get angry. Do we let our anger control us? Anger is a choice (Lahaye/Philltps 1982). We don’t
have to live in bondage to anger and untorgiveness. We can seek God for
His help in handling troubling situations. His way works! Lay your troubles
before God. Freedom and peace in Christ come when we surrender our
anger to Him. Freedom from anger comes when we forgive as we have
been forgiven by Christ. Let God help you with the process of forgiveness.
You don’t have to carry the anger. The more we see others through God’s
eyes, by abiding in Him, the more free we are to love. This is the way we
keep the sun from going down on our anger. This is freedom!

Hurt and Hate

January 31, 2021 by Steve Rossi – The Christian Counselor in Houston, Texas

Emotional wounds come in a variety of ways but they have one thing in common, they hurt. Betrayal, abuse, abandonment, rejection, neglect, and deception create deep emotional wounds. People deal with hurt differently. Some work through their pain and move forward with their lives. Some hold onto the pain and live crippled lives emotionally. Others cling to the hurt and progress to intense anger and hatred toward their offenders. Hurt doesn’t always progress to hatred but it can linger indefinitely if the person does not take steps to heal. Sometimes offenses are misperceived and have no reality base at all. The person feels offended when no offense has been made. Other times the truth is mixed with lies about what really happened to make a person to feel wounded. There may be some partial truth to what happened but the rest is false. The hurt progresses to resentment, bitterness, unforgiveness, and hatred. The person has moved from hurt to hate.

Emotional wounds hurt but they can be healed. Hate toward another is destructive, there’s nothing redemptive about it. It’s the opposite of love. It is rebellion against God, Who is Love. Hate also opens the door to the demonic; it plays right into satan’s hands. It often leads to actions that attempt to tear down, defame, or destroy the offender. Hate perpetuates pain, the very thing that the offended person wants to eliminate. It keeps the pain alive and consumes the person from within. We are not
supposed to hate. It’s not God’s way. Individuals and groups often perpetuate war on others because they will not let go, work through, or give
their pain to the Lord. They generate more pain in the process of hating. They think that they are justified in getting revenge, in making the offender suffer what they have suffered. This is happening all over the world today.

Biblical Examples of Hurt turned to Hate
We have Joseph and his brothers. (Genesis 37:4) “But when his brothers saw that their father loved him more than all his brothers, they hated him and could not speak peaceably to him.” (Genesis 37:5) “Now Joseph had a dream, and he told it to his brothers; and they hated him even more.” (Genesis
37:8) “And his brothers said to him, “Shall you indeed reign over us? Or shall you indeed have dominion over us?” So they hated him even more for his dreams and for his words.” Joseph’s brothers let their hurt over their father favoring Joseph and Joseph’s dreams evolve into hatred and plans to murder him. They sold him into slavery. Of course God used this for good but it is a painful example of how their hurt turned to hate.

There’s Jacob and Esau the twin sons of Isaac described in Genesis 25, 27, 32, 33. Isaac favored Esau and Rebecca favored Jacob. First Esau gives up his birthright for a bowl of soup, then Isaac is tricked into blessing Jacob, his second born, instead of his first born son, Esau. Gen 27:41So Esau hated Jacob because of the blessing with which his father blessed him, and Esau said in his heart, “The days of mourning for my father are at hand; then I will kill my brother Jacob.” Esau’s hurt and pain from all this turned to hatred and rage toward his brother. Jacob fled for his life and during
the time he was away his mother Rebecca died. Eventually Jacob and his family returned to his homeland and Esau reconciled with him.

Then there’s Absalom and Amnon. (2Sam 13:22) And Absalom spoke to his brother Amnon neither good nor bad. For Absalom hated Amnon, because
he had forced his sister Tamar. Two years later Absalom had his half brother murdered. Absalom’s pain and suffering over his sister’s rape turned to hate which led to his revenge two years later. He could have forgiven his brother but he didn’t. I am sure you can list other situations in the Bible where wronged people went from hurt to hate.

Overcoming Hurt
What do you do to overcome hurt? How do you prevent yourself from hating those who grieved you? We all get hurt by people some time in our life and the offenders are usually family and friends, those closest to us. The pain that comes from being wounded by someone you love is deep. The torment of being hurt or seeing someone you love wounded emotionally can be tremendous. It is very hard to let go of the pain.

As Christians, we must remember that no matter what happens to us in this life, it is nothing compared to what Jesus Christ suffered here on earth to save us. He gives us the way through, power to heal, and forgive when we have been grievously wounded emotionally. We have built in us through the Holy Spirit all the tools we will ever need to deal with and resolve troubles in this life. We are overcomers through Christ Jesus our Lord and Savior. So, when you are hurt by a family member or close friend, or someone you care for very much is hurt. Remember who you are in Christ. Even though the pain is monumental, begin that very moment to purpose in your heart to heal and move through it with the help of God Almighty. Start there before you let yourself fester and obsess over the pain someone has caused you. Allow yourself to feel but don’t let the sun go down on your anger, and don’t fall into a deep depression over your pain. This is extremely hard to do, so don’t beat yourself up if you fail a couple times. Allow God to help you get back on track and move through the pain and hurt. But don’t allow your hurt to turn into hate and lead you into committing more sinful actions in retaliation. God will deal with your offenders. You don’t have to exact vengeance on His behalf. Feel your pain but don’t let it take you to hate. Stay close to God and Godly people who will stand in the gap for you as you heal. This will take time. It is not immediate. If you remain stuck and feel like your pain is turning into hate, you might want to talk to your pastor. You may also need professional Christian counseling to help you move through the healing and restoration
process.

Don’t move away from God in your pain – run to Him. Pour out your heart to Him. You will see that He will not abandon you. He will comfort and heal
you if you let Him. Don’t resist. You must forgive eventually We must be ready to forgive those who trespass against us. Deep healing cannot really
come without forgiveness. And we can only really forgive with God’s help. You will heal. Let God mend your broken heart. He is the Master
Physician. He specializes in healing brokenness.

What does the Bible say about hate?
The word hate is mentioned 83 times in the Bible compared to love which is mentioned 323 times. That’s almost a 4:1 ratio of love over hate in God’s
Word. That alone should tell us something. What does the Bible say about hate? What are we supposed to do when someone hurts us?

Hate:
Lev. 19:17 You shall not hate your brother in your heart. You shall surely rebuke your neighbor, and not bear sin because of him.

Prov. 10:12 Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all sins.

Matt. 5:44 But I say to you, love your enemies,
bless those who curse you, do good to those who
hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you
and persecute you,

Luke 6:27-28 “But I say to you who hear: Love
your enemies, do good to those who hate you,
bless those who curse you, and pray for those who
spitefully use you.”

Gal 5:19-21 Now the works of the flesh are evident, which are: adultery, fornication, un- cleanness, lewdness, idolatry, sorcery, hatred, contentions,
jealousies, outbursts of wrath, selfish ambitions, dissensions, heresies, envy, murders, drunkenness, revelries, and the like; of which I tell you beforehand, just as I also told you in time past, that those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.

1John.3:15 Whoever hates his brother is a murderer, and you know that no murderer has eternal life abiding in him.

Forgive:

Luke 6:37 “Judge not, and you shall not be judged. Condemn not, and you shall not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.

John 20:23 If you forgive the sins of any, they are forgiven them; if you retain the sins of any, they are retained.”

Eph. 4:32 And be kind to one another, tender- hearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.

Col. 3:12-13 Therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, put on tender
mercies, kindness, humility, meekness, longsuffering; bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do.

Matt. 6:14-15 “For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.”

Eph. 4:31-32 “Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.”

Healing:
Psalm 30:2 O LORD my God, I cried out to You, and You healed me.

Psalm 107:20 He sent His word and healed them, and delivered them from their destructions.

Psalm 147:3 He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

Proverbs 3:7-8 Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the LORD and depart from evil. It will be health to your flesh, and strength to your bones.

Isaiah 53:5 But He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our iniquities; the chastisement for our peace was upon Him, and
by His stripes we are healed.

Jeremiah 33:6 Behold, I will bring it health and healing; I will heal them and reveal to them the abundance of peace and truth.

God Will Heal You
Don’t let your hurt linger or turn to hate. I know life is hard, emotional wounds will come. You must choose to let God heal you. He wants you healed and restored. This life is not accidental. Your hurt will be used to glorify God. Let Him take you through the healing process and bless others with your testimony to His goodness. Forgive your offenders. Release them to God. He will deal with them. Pray for those who have hurt you. I know this is hard, but you must. Don’t give the enemy any ground. Don’t let your hurt evolve into hate. Hate and revenge don’t even the score, they just keep
the pain alive multiplying the miseries. Hate is a cancer that destroys. God’s love overcomes all the hate in the world. Choose to love when you feel like
making your offender hurt. You can’t do this on your own. Let God help and heal you.