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Letting Go of the Need to Control – Living the Surrendered Life

July 25, 2023 by Steve Rossi – The Christian Counselor in Houston, Texas

Everyone wants to control their lives to some degree. We want stability and security. It’s human nature. Some people are more obsessed and driven to control outcomes in their lives than others. Control issues can lead to many problems in a person’s life. God designed us to depend on Him and He gives us the freedom to choose and follow Him. Life is unstable, always changing, there’s no way we can stop it. Things happen all the time. Life is full of inconveniences, frustrations, disappointments and calamities. The more we try to control things the worse they become. We deceive ourselves into thinking we can control life. The reality is: we are not in control. How do we accept this and move forward? Is this an attitude of defeat? No. A person driven by strong needs to control is in bondage. Try to control the weather, the economy, the forces of evil, other people, and life in general, and you will fail every time. Yet people worry and try to control outcomes. God did not set us free to control everything. He is God and we are not. God gave us stewardship over certain things here on earth but we have no power to alter God’s design and plans. Yet we still yearn to predict and control. Science aims to control by trying to understand the most intimate details of life. This is not all bad. God enables us to find cures for certain diseases and have great victories, but we are limited and He is limitless. This article examines the need to control, the problems it creates, and ways to let go and live the surrendered life. We can be free from the need to control, and we must in order to live victoriously and effectively for Jesus Christ!

Control-Oriented People

There are different types of control-oriented people. Some have very strong needs to control things while others have very little. People on the other end of the continuum are those so matter of fact that they appear too loose in dealing with things beyond their control. They just aren’t preoccupied with controlling things. They appear more relaxed. Most of us fall somewhere in between. We could all stand to relax more with regard to control. Let’s take a look at those having strong control issues. They are usually insecure people. They may try desperately to control things because they have had bad experiences or traumas in their lives. Terrible things may have happened to them that were brought on by other people and circumstances beyond their control. They tend to be fearful but don’t like to admit it. Fear and control go together. People try to control things out of fear. They frantically attempt to prevent bad things they fear might happen to them. Their fears may be real but most of the times they are unfounded, there are no imminent dangers. These people are often uptight as they try very hard to manage outcomes. They try to control everything, from the minute to major things in their lives. Things must go their way. You might even say they are perfectionists or “control freaks.” This behavior becomes obsessive compulsive for some. Their lives are shackled to doing things they think will keep them safe. They hate disruptions in their routines and plans. Life is very frustrating for them. They tend to get very angry when things don’t go their way. Here are a few more behaviors that are associated with people who have control issues:

 Obsessed with time. Driven by the clock.
 High expectations for self and others.
 Get angry over small things that don’t go their way.
 Stressed out by delays, inconveniences, or scheduling problems.
 Tend to be rigid and uptight, internally and externally.
 Overly sensitive to criticism. Somewhat fragile here.
 Get defensive when corrected or confronted.
 Hate to be wrong.
 Hard to make them happy. Something always bothering them.
 Can be negative and complaining.
 Tend to be jealous in their relationships.
 You feel somewhat oppressed by them.
 They are prone to depression.
 Anger issues.
 Very tight with their money and time. Two major areas of control in their lives.
 Fearful of looking bad, or failing.
 Try to suppress their emotions but eventually they come out.
 Struggles with obeying God.
 Preoccupied with having their own way.
 Prone to addictions.
 Go to extremes to control life’s outcomes.
 Fear losing control. Will do anything to prevent losses and failures.
 Tend to push people away instead of drawing them in.
 Relationship/Intimacy issues.

You may have more of the above listed traits than you would like to admit. Don’t despair. You don’t
have to live your life in bondage to fear and control. There is hope. And He is God. I will cover the specifics of how you can be free through Christ later. Maybe you are one of those sighing with relief saying, “I am not one of those guys.” “I have only a few or none of the behaviors described on the list above.” Good. But don’t relax yet. We all struggle with control in some form or another even though it may not be as extreme as others. The whole Christian life and growth process involves becoming more Christ-like. “He must become greater and I must become less.” (John 3:30) Jesus must increase in us and the self which is prone to the sin nature must decrease. The self wants to have its way. The self in us wants to control life. Even though we know this life is temporary and we live in a fallen world, we want control over what happens to us. We want that reassurance and security. We are all guilty of striving to have our way – to be in control. We must lose our life in order to save it. (Luke 9:24)

Problems and Pain

People with strong needs for control cause problems. These people invariably generate strife as they impose their way on others. They are often insensitive to the rights or needs of others. Control-oriented people can be very difficult to live and work with. They are not typically team players and tend to be dominating in their approach. Problems occur frequently in their marriage, family, and work. Sadly, sometimes they create trouble in their church. They are immovable, it’s either their way or “the highway.” People with control issues aren’t always mean and aggressive in their approach to life. Many are nice but still very controlling. They try to order their time and life with you in ways that restrict your freedom. They would rather have their own way in directing things than work with others in considering alternatives. Obviously this creates a multitude of potential problems for others as well as themselves. Severe control-oriented people do not function well in intimate relationships because they hurt the ones they love. They try to control others in subtle and blatant ways. A person with control issues can cause a considerable amount of emotional pain and turmoil. They strain relationships because people feel devalued by them. Your opinions and suggestions are heard but not considered. They are inflexible. This behavior shuts down relationships over time. You can love them, but it is unlikely that they will love you back unconditionally because they are self-absorbed and preoccupied with controlling things they perceive as threatening. For example, a jealous husband consistently checks on his wife by reading her emails, text messages, etc. because he fears losing her when there is no reason for concern. The wife over time feels mistrusted, disrespected, and grieved by these actions and struggles with bearing the pain.

She may have to endure his outbursts, false accusations, and control for awhile before she confronts him to make changes. The controlling parent is another example. He creates a lot of emotional stress for his children. His behaviors are not loving. They go way beyond parental concern. The children feel that their parent does not trust or believe in them. They are held back from becoming healthy independent young adults. The controlling parent is so restrictive that the child is not allowed to do anything without extreme supervision. This often generates considerable pain and resentment for children, teenagers and young adults. They accumulate emotional baggage that could have been avoided. Some become quite rebellious when they leave home.

Individuals who are very control-oriented generate pain for themselves too. They feel like they are fighting a losing battle. They know they cannot control everything but they persist in trying to do so. They are prone to anxiety, depression, and anger over feelings of helplessness. They are very edgy and rarely experience peace because something always goes wrong. Control-oriented people are enslaved by their obsession with control and wonder why they have few or no friends. They feel isolated and rejected because people don’t like to be around them. Control oriented people are usually unhappy. Underlying issues make them vulnerable to struggling with control. They are stuck and don’t want to risk giving up the need to control in order to become more adjusted. It’s just too painful. There have been wars throughout history because one group tried to take control over another. The aggressors want to conquer and control other people. We see this today all over the world. One group tries to impose their ways on others. There is much taking and no giving by those seeking to control. This problem of control will be around as long as we have the sin nature and live in a fallen world.

The Impossibility of Controlling
Everything
We cannot control life. This is the reality God created. We make choices, but we cannot and should not control. Control for us is an illusion. Job was grieved over the horrible tragedies that came upon him and tried to defend his own righteousness. He searched high and low for answers but found none. Remember when God began questioning Job? (Job 38:1-42:6) God did not explain anything to Job. God illustrated His Sovereignty by the questions He asked Job. God is in control. Yet we fall into the trap of believing we must order our own steps. The self-made man is an illusion. God lets us succeed. God provides the gifts and talents we have and allows us to apply them in this life. We are supposed to be grateful and thank Him for the things He lets us do here. We cannot control things no more than we can control the wind. Anyone would agree with this statement but still many stress and worry over trying to anticipate and prevent every potential problem or calamity. We are not supposed to be careless either. We must live in a world we cannot control and trust God to protect us and honor the steps we take in obeying Him. This means we follow His Word and Spirit within us to do His will.

Jesus on Control
Jesus gave up his rights to Himself when He redeemed mankind at the cross. He is the God of the universe. Our Creator showed us the importance of giving up control. The God Who is in charge relinquished control as the God-Man. The very act of our salvation rests on God Who did not save Himself from the cross. God honors and lifts up those who lose their lives for His sake. “For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will save it.” (Luke 9:24) Our striving to be first, and trying to take charge of our destinies does not accomplish the things of God. Jesus said, ” But
many who are first will be last, and the last first.” (Matt. 19:30) God wants those who depend on Him, not the self-willed and self-reliant, not those preoccupied with pushing their way to the top. The old saying, “If it’s going to be, it’s up to me.” has no place in the Kingdom of God. Jesus elevates the humble and the least over the prideful, power-grabbing, control-oriented people. Seeking to control one’s life or others is
sinful. Jesus laid down His life and we are to do the same for our brothers and sisters in the Lord. Jesus’ ministry and central theme of the Christian life is about surrender; letting go, giving up the need for control and the sinful cravings of the flesh. Jesus came to save us from ourselves and the coming wrath of God. He wants us to live completely yielded to Him. Jesus also warns us about the dangers of trying to control everything. We become our own god when we rely on ourselves and try to control life. A person extremely driven to control things is a person alienated from God. This person is completely in bondage to self and vulnerable to the devil, the enemy of our souls.

God is in Control

God is absolutely in control, yet sometimes when people hear their friends say this to encourage them, they don’t feel reassured. They feel rejected and abandoned by God. They feel that though God is in control, somehow He chooses to let them suffer their calamities. They don’t live what they know to be true. They feel that God deserted them and is punishing them for something they might have done. They come to believe their prayers won’t get answered because God stopped listening to them. They focus more on their circumstances, feeling helpless and hopeless, and become depressed. God’s Truth and Love no longer comforts them. It is important that you bear with your brothers and sisters who have fallen into despair. Be patient with them. Stand with them. Be like Jesus to them. Love them. Pray without ceasing for them. Don’t go into long winded deep theological discussions with them while they are going through “dark nights of their souls.” They are not ready for this. They simply need your presence, prayers, and reassurance. Don’t get mad at their lack of faith in our Almighty God. This can happen to anyone. Elijah was depressed and felt hopeless. (1 Kings 19:4, 10, 14) Jonah, Job, Jeremiah, and David also struggled with depression. So we need to understand that severe conditions challenge the strongest saint’s faith and there will be moments and seasons of brokenness, discouragement, and dark nights of the soul in this life. We must cling to God through the troubles in our lives and “trust in Him even though He slay me.” (Job 13:15).

We must never forget, no matter how bad things get, who we are in Jesus Christ. He is the God Who is in Control. He is the God of “before Abraham was, I Am.” (John 8:58) Our God, the God of the Bible, the God of Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, and Joseph is the Almighty everlasting eternally existent God of all Creation. He is all knowing, all powerful and all purposeful. He is Jesus. We tend to lose sight of God’s magnificence when we are struggling.

Things to remember about our God Who
is in control:

God always existed.
He has no beginning and no end.
He created everything.
He controls all things.
He knows all things before they happen.
Nothing surprises Him.
He plans all things.
He is all powerful. The Bible illustrates His
omnipotence over and over.
No one can do anything to thwart or
change His plans.
No evil can stand against Him.
Our destinies are wrapped in Him.
He loves us no matter what happens in our
lives.

God is in Control – Scriptures:
In Him also we have obtained an inheritance, being predestined according to the purpose of Him who works all things according to the counsel of His will, that we who first trusted in Christ should be to the praise of His glory. (Ephes. 1:11-12) “I know that You can do everything, and that no purpose of Yours can be withheld from You.” (Job 42:2) Your kingdom is an everlasting kingdom, and Your dominion endures throughout all generations. The LORD upholds all who fall, and raises up all who are bowed down. (Psalm
145:13-14) For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor
things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Rom. 8:38-39) For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. (Jer. 29:11)

But whoever listens to me will dwell safely, and will be secure, without fear of evil.” (Prov. 1:33)

The preparations of the heart belong to man, but the answer of the tongue is from the LORD.
(Prov. 16:1)

A man’s heart plans his way, But the LORD directs his steps. (Prov. 16:9)

The lot is cast into the lap, but its every decision is from the LORD. (Prov. 16:33)

The king’s heart is in the hand of the LORD, like the rivers of water; He turns it wherever He wishes (Prov. 21:1)

Remember the former things of old, for I am God, and there is no other; I am God, and there is none like Me, declaring the end from the beginning, and from ancient times things that are not yet done, saying, ‘My counsel shall stand, and I will do all My pleasure,’ (Isa. 46:9-10)

All the inhabitants of the earth are reputed as nothing; He does according to His will in the army of heaven and among the inhabitants of the earth. No one can restrain His hand or say to Him, “What have You done?” (Dan. 4:35)

“No one takes it from Me, but I lay it down of Myself. I have power to lay it down, and I have
power to take it again. This command I have received from My Father.” (John 10:18)

Jesus answered, “You could have no power at all against Me unless it had been given you from
above. Therefore the one who delivered Me to you has the greater sin.” (John 19:11)

But as it is written: “Eye has not seen, nor ear heard, nor have entered into the heart of man
the things which God has prepared for those who love Him. (1Cor. 2:9)

Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, (Ephes. 3:20)

Living the Surrendered Life
Jesus Christ is the only One who can heal and deliver us from control issues. He is the solution for everyone enslaved by fear and dire needs for control. Jesus is the only One Who can empower us to let go and live the surrendered life. Our relationship with Christ is ongoing and progressive. It’s a process: the closer we are to Him the more surrendered our lives are to Him. He becomes greater in us as we abide more in Him, and we feel less compelled to direct our own paths. So, what does the surrendered life look like and how do we live it?

The surrendered life is a life of freedom in Christ. We are free from having to give in to the cravings of our
sinful nature. The surrendered life is a life of power through the indwelling Holy Spirit. A child of God
surrendered to Jesus Christ is a person full of God’s love and peace. They are not so easily rattled by life. They operate in the supernatural. That is, they live by faith not by sight. A person completely dependent on God looks at problems, struggles, hardships, troubles, tribulations, and calamites much differently than
those bound by fear. They know and accept that they are not in control. They believe with all their hearts that everything happens for a purpose which God weaves into His Will. They are not stuck on deep theological debates, they simply believe God, therefore they have the peace that goes beyond human understanding. They know God will guard their hearts. They are convinced that nothing can separate them from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Rom. 8:38-9). They are growing in their peace and understanding with God, that He is in charge, and will never forsake them. The believer living
the surrendered life knows that whatever He suffers for Christ’s sake will be honored and committed to God. “For this reason I also suffer these things; nevertheless I am not ashamed, for I know whom I have believed and am persuaded that He is able to keep what I have committed to Him until that Day. (2 Tim. 1:12)

Born again believers in Christ cannot be defeated by anyone or anything in this life. We may be struck down, but not destroyed. (2 Corn. 4:8-9) We may fail and fall but God raises us up by His mighty hand. That’s ultimate consolation, comfort, and freedom! That’s a life surrendered to God. There is no striving or stressing over the things of this world. There is no need to control outcomes. Our desires become God’s desires for our lives. The surrendered life is not driven by fear of bad news. A person living a surrendered life to God is a humble person. The life surrendered is a life in tune with God. People surrendered to God praise and worship Him without inhibitions. They rejoice always, in all circumstances. Released from struggling to control, they are unhindered in their prayers. They continually seek God. Nothing moves
them. You feel encouraged, comforted, and loved by those living surrendered lives. The light and love of Christ pours out of them.

How? Choose.
God designed us to choose. We choose to accept His gift of salvation. We choose to love and obey Him.
We choose to live the surrendered life in Him over fear, control issues, sin, and death. You don’t have to be a slave to fear and control issues. Choose to let Christ free you from this bondage. The first step on the road to living the surrendered life is choosing Christ! Now that you have chosen Him, let Him empower you to depend on Him and give up the need to control. Maybe you have struggled with control issues a long time as a Christian. It is time to live what you know. There is no shame in admitting this. Step out in
faith even though it hurts to give up your false security in trying to control everything. It would be a greater tragedy to live in bondage to control issues and fear as a Christian than to put these fears to death in Christ. It will be painful but you need to do it. You won’t regret it.

Commit every thought and feeling to Jesus Christ.

Bring your need to control to the cross. Leave it there. Bring your thoughts and emotions to the mind of Christ Who lives inside you. Believe He is able and will do this thing for you. You will see a wonderful progression (with some ups and downs) toward increasing freedom. You cannot be in control. Give the
control to Him, where it belongs. Determine in your heart to live the surrendered life. Live as Jesus prompts you to live through the Holy Spirit within you and God’s Written Word. Complete dependence on Him means you seek His guidance in every step you take in this life and trust Him as He reveals His Will for you. Pray, wait, listen, respond. Go through the doors He opens for you. Don’t try to make things happen. He is the God of timing. His timing is perfect. You will begin to experience greater peace as
you do your part and trust Him to do His. Use the gifts and talents God gave you. Commit everything you do to Him. Yield to Him. Monitor your heart, head, and feelings. Watch out for pride or anything that arises from your sin nature. Be quick to confess your sins to God and repent. Be quick to forgive others. Live a life in tune with God – thinking, breathing, and doing the things of God. A surrendered life is a life
lived by a person who loves the Lord with all his heart, soul, mind, and strength. Your thoughts become His thoughts. Live your life in constant communion with God by dwelling on Him 24/7. Let His presence naturally influence everything you do. Have the mind of Christ and dwell on things that are true, noble, just, pure, lovely, of good report, virtuous, and praiseworthy. (Phil. 4:6) Stay away from anything that pulls you away from God. Don’t ignore the promptings of the Holy Spirit to do good and resist evil.

Do your part.

Our part is to obey God and obey God and take responsibility for our actions toward others. We
are to live a life of faith in God and step out. Don’t sit back and do nothing. A man or woman
surrendered to God does their part. We plan, organize, and build. We pursue goals. But we do this in line with God and not out of selfish ambition or at the expense of others. We don’t try to control, we just do our part and leave the results to God. We go about the business of God’s Kingdom not our personal kingdom on earth. We experience freedom in our lives submitted to God. That’s the surrendered life! Freedom to let God orchestrate our steps as we cooperate with Him. His desires become our desires as we abide in Him. He lets us do the things we want to do when they are lined up with His will. We don’t throw caution to the wind and live a haphazard lives. God wants us to plan and do our part. He want us to live orderly lives. He wants us to sow and reap good things. God want us to live balanced lives, letting Him be in control and us doing our part, all that the Bible commands us to do as Christians. The
Christian life is not supposed to be passive. It should be vibrant, surrendered to God, always being about His work. You are not slaves, but sons and daughters of God. He wants us to possess the land of our lives, like the Israelites of old. We should ask God for our journey, purpose and destiny, to posses what He has given us. We are to be active in this process and rely on Him. We cooperate with the God Who is in control. We step out in faith asking and doing, surrendered to Him.

Let go.

The surrendered Christian life is a life of letting God direct our steps. We deceive ourselves when we think we are in control. The fervent, effective Christian has a healthy fear of God and strong dependence on Him. God accomplishes mighty things in believers’ lives when they depend on Him. Loving Jesus and
having faith in Him means giving up control and believing Him to direct our steps to accomplish His purposes. We are to bring ultimate Glory to Him. We give up our rights to ourselves as we love and obey Him. He knows our lives would be disastrous without Him. Just look at your life and the lives of those in the Bible when they relied on themselves rather than God. You cannot surrender your life to Jesus unless you completely give your heart to Him. Surrendering is a daily process of spending time with Him in prayer and reading His Word, praising and worshiping Him and fellowshipping with other believers. We develop an increasing hunger for God when our lives are totally surrendered to Him. Every time you sense anxiety, fear, or the need to control, run to God and ask Him to help you release those things to Him. Let go! Surrender them to Him. God may put people in your life to help you let go. Sometimes people need to resolve underlying issues and go through a healing process before they totally let go of their need to control.

Humble yourself.

The surrendered life is also a life of humility. This is not the work of the flesh but through the Spirit. Deep abiding in Jesus makes our hearts and minds more like His. We become more like Him. Humility results when our lives are hidden in Christ. The more you walk with the Lord the less prone you are to be prideful. We must still remain on guard against the enemy and our sin nature. Surrendered to Christ, you begin to put others first in all that you do. It comes naturally for the children of God. We serve one another.

Final Words
The perfect love of Christ fills and compels us. There is no room for fear and control in the surrendered life. The person surrendered to God gives everything He has to God. It belongs to Him anyway. This
includes outcomes. This can be hard to do but produces great results. God will take all your yesterdays, today’s, and tomorrows if you let Him. Stop worrying. Stop reflecting and projecting the past into your future. Don’t take the worries back once you give them to God. Live in total submission and dependence to Jesus Christ. You are Heaven bound my friend! Nothing surpasses the glory of the things to come. The struggles of this life are nothing compared to what lies ahead. Purpose yourself to live the surrendered life today and don’t turn back once you commit to do so. Let God direct our paths and make your ways straight as you relinquish control to Him. Many have gone before us. A cloud of witnesses cheers us on as we grow and develop through the trials and tribulations of this life. We live in extremely difficult times brothers and sisters. The world is desperate for solutions. We are supposed to be salt and light to a dying world. We have the answers. We have the solutions to life. He lives inside us. Jesus Christ! We don’t have to let the world’s distractions, threats, instability, and chaos rattle us. We know how things turn out. We know Who is in control. Jesus speaks to us and reassures us. Just as He surrendered to the Father and the Master Plan for our salvation, we surrender to God and His will for our lives. Let the love of God and
peace of Christ compel you to live a surrendered life today my friend.

The Godly Marriage

August 26, 2018 by Steve Rossi – The Christian Counselor in Houston, Texas

This is a newsletter I wrote on the Godly marriage several years ago. These principles and recommendations still apply today.

THE COUNSELOR

VOL. 8, NO. 1 April 2005

Stephen Rossi, M.A., L.P.C. – The Christian Counselor in Houston Texas

The Godly Marriage

Christians enter marriage believing theirs will last no matter what. They have God and the fellowship of other believers. They took marriage prep classes and had premarital counseling. Both made marriage vows before God. They are certain that their marriage will be different, that theirs will endure. It should. Time goes on. They live happily ever after. Not! Why is the divorce rate for Christian marriages the same as non Christians marriages? How can there be so much loneliness, confusion, turmoil, anger, bitterness, resentment, chaos, hurt, disappointment, and destruction in Christian marriages today? What’s going on here? Where’s the love? Where’s the respect? Where’s the tenderness, kindness and sacrifice? Many Christian couples live out their days in quiet desperation while others argue constantly. This is not God’s plan. Marriage is supposed to be good. God’s plan for marriage is perfect. What is a Christian marriage supposed to look like? What are the husband and wife’s roles? What does the Bible say? How do you define a Godly marriage? Tons of sermons and books have addressed this topic through the years. Myths about marriage still exist. Hearts and spirits get crushed when visions and expectations for marriage go unfulfilled. Infidelity and addictions rock Christian marriages too. If God is for us how can this happen? Marriage is meant to last. Godly marriages can and do exist. They’re not perfect, but they resolve their problems. Husband and wife submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. They press on. They bring glory to Christ in their marriages.

Struggles

All marriages have problems. A host of pressures test them daily. We live in a complex, fallen, depraved world. We live in the end times. The times and challenges today promote marriage breakdown. Couples spend limited time together. Long hours, demanding work schedules, shifting roles, financial pressures, and problems parenting, stress married couples. They start out Godly and positive but descend into anger, bitterness, and resentment in a few short years. Communication, money, physical intimacy, and other problems follow. One thing affects another. Decision making becomes tedious and results in complete communication breakdown. It’s sad to see couples go from joyful happy faces, full of optimism and hope to negativity and despair. Problems in the bedroom reflect struggles and issues in the marriage. Warmth and tenderness turn into coldness and harshness. They deny each other affection and physical intimacy. Needs go unmet. Emotional and sexual infidelity often occurs. Selfishness prevails. Many wives struggle with the true meaning of submission, they resist and disrespect their husbands. They undermine their authority and role as head of the family. Many husbands mishandle or abuse their wives, verbally, emotionally, and sometimes physically. Quoting scripture, they demand submission from their wives. They control their wives. They do not show love to their wives. Many husbands stray from God by becoming passive. They defer and delegate to their wives instead of leading them. Things don’t go right, they don’t go God’s way, when the wife leads the marriage and family spiritually. This is not God’s plan. This is not a Biblical marriage. Many Christian marriages today experience additional stresses like unresolved pain and baggage from their past, blended family troubles, anger, anxiety, depression, poor conflict resolution skills, and excessive debt. Unforgiveness wrecks Christian marriages. It’s like a cancer that starts small and overtakes the whole body. Christian marriages struggle and collapse without forgiveness.

Godly Marriage

Biblical marriage is God’s perfect plan. No marriage is perfect, but husband and wife can live in harmony, love one another deeply, resolve conflicts and problems, live within the parameters of God’s Will, glorify Him, and forgive one another. Christ gives them the tools, love, and power to do this! God’s purpose for marriage is to reveal Christ. The goal of marriage is heart, spiritual and physical intimacy (Biblical Foundations for Freedom, 2004). The two shall become one. “And they will become one flesh.” (Genesis 2:24). One flesh, one mind. The two operate as one. Two independent units think and act as one, in one accord. They depend on and complement one another. They are intimate with each other on all levels. They remain spiritually intimate with God. God accomplishes great things through good marriages. They inspire others and glorify God when they seek intimacy. The intimacy unifies, focuses, and empowers them to accomplish these goals. (Biblical Foundations for Freedom 2004). The husband’s love for his wife is constant and pure in the Godly marriage. He is commanded to love his wife. “Husbands love your wives, even as Christ also loved the Church and gave Himself for it.” (Ephes. 5:25). The husband’s love for his wife is deep, it’s real and active, it’s patient, kind, persistent, unselfish, unconditional, and bears all things. Husband and wife are deeply committed to God and one another. They love each other unconditionally. You can see it on their faces and the way they treat each other. Their love is based on commitment. Husband and wife feel secure in a Godly marriage. Secure in God’s love, there’s no room for emptiness or loneliness. The husband is the spiritual leader in the home. He loves and leads his wife like Jesus loved the church (Ephes. 5:25). The Godly husband is considerate of his wife (1 Peter 3:7), controls his temper, and is not harsh or bitter towards her (Col. 3:19).

He loves his wife as he loves himself. The Godly husband emulates Christ. He meets his wife’s needs through self-sacrificing love. He understands her specific needs. The Godly husband praises his wife, he delights only in her, is not tyrannical, provides for and protects her, loves her with agape love, and cares for her spiritually. He is knowing, aware, interested, and concerned about his wife (Nazarene Friends 2004). The Godly husband has many qualities. A Godly husband is a wise husband. Proverbs say a lot about the characteristics of a wise man. He is kind and compassionate; honest; hard working; truthful; exercises self-control; has a gentle tongue; is generous; willing to be corrected by his wife; listens to counsel; is a man of integrity; is faithful and reliable; forgiving; admits he is wrong; is humble; a peacemaker; controls his temper; avoids excesses; keeps a confidence; fears God and obeys His Word; is not jealous; and has a positive outlook on life (www.bible.org). The Godly wife is Godly. She fears God and has a relationship with Him. She is wise, gracious, faithful, and honors her husband. She is a Proverbs 31 wife! She submits to her husband (1 Peter 3). She exhibits God-pleasing behavior. The Godly wife praises and encourages her husband. She is not riddled with fear and worry. She prays for her husband. Most importantly, the Godly wife respects her husband (Ephes. 5:33). Godly marriages are based on God, love, and submission. Husband and wife live for one another, not for themselves. Submission is based on love not selfishness. They lay down their lives for one another. The dreaded “S-word” (Submission) is handled. There’s power in submission There’s power in the Godly marriage. Mutual submission exists. They “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” (Ephes. 5:21). The wife submits to the husband (Ephes. 5:22-24), he submits to God and loves his wife (Ephes. 5:25), and they both submit to each other out of reverence for Christ. The husband is a servant leader, submitting, offering himself, giving himself to those he serves (Christ) and leads (his wife). There is no selfishness in submission. They let God mold them into His purposes for their relationship. They work with God. They resolve differences. They are affectionate and physically intimate. Sexuality (love making) is wonderful between them. They delight in pleasing one another.

Solutions

Dr. Emerson Eggerichs addresses a major problem in marriages today, in his book, Love and Respect (2004). He admits that a wife’s primary need is to feel loved while her husband’s driving need is to feel respected. Things fall apart when either of these needs go unmet. Spouses react negatively toward one another. Eggerichs calls this the “Crazy Cycle.” Without love, she reacts negatively and disrespectful, without respect, he reacts unloving (2004). They remain angry and deprive one another of the love and respect they so desperately need. God commands the husband to love his wife and her to respect him (Ephes. 5:33). The crazy cycle must be broken. Men and women must learn to understand one another. Women need love and men need respect more than anything. Disrespect crushes a man. Women wither without love. Conflict makes most men feel disrespected too (Eggerichs, 2004). It takes a lot of work, but troubled marriages can be restored. This will happen when the husband’s love motivates his wife’s respect and her respect for him motivates his love for her, (The Energizing Cycle, Eggerichs, 2004). The Rewarded Cycle occurs when the husband gives his love regardless of his wife’s respect for him and she gives him respect regardless of his love for her. According to Eggerichs, the husband loves his wife by moving toward her and connecting with her, sharing his thoughts and feelings with her, understanding her rather than trying to “fix” things, resolving differences, remaining loyal, and esteeming her. The wife respects her husband by supporting him in his work, respecting and appreciating his desire to protect and provide for her and the family, recognizing him as having primary authority, letting him lead, trusting his ability to analyze things and offer solutions, letting him know that she is his friend and lover, and honoring his need for sexual release even when she doesn’t feel like it. There is hope for damaged marriages. Restoration will come when husband and wife acknowledge their own sins before God and each other (Foundations for Freedom.net). They should reflect on Psalm 107:33-35 and pray, using this Psalm. They should ask for forgiveness and take steps to deal with communication problems (Sin). They should identify the issues, classify each grievance, examine the problems, review them together, reflect on God’s Word, repent (Psalm 107:13-16), apologize to one another, and follow up. It is important that the man goes first, asking for forgiveness. They should practice patience, love, kindness and renew affections. They must stand firm, face and resolve their anger. Divorce is not an option! Husband and wife should face conflicts by stating the problem, identifying what is at stake, list possible solutions, choose one and try one (Arp and Arp, 1996). Love is commitment. When problems arise, focus on the commitment first. Say, “We will stay together, we will resolve this, because we’re committed to God and each other.” A couple committed to God and obedience to Him thrives, they move through conflict, they grow form it. The solution is Jesus Christ, period! The more connected a husband and wife are to Christ, the stronger the marriage.

God’s Way

God calls and equips us to live Godly lives and have Godly marriages. He calls husbands and wives to meet each other’s sexual needs, regard their bodies belonging to the other, and devote themselves to prayer (Corin. 7:1-7). The Godly marriage relationship encompasses all aspects of the couple’s lives physical, emotional, spiritual, intellectual, and so forth. Men, love your wives, provide for them and lead them. Give your wives non sexual affection, listen to them, and communicate openly with them. Abide in Christ! Women, respect your husbands. Forgive them. Work with them. Pray for them. Love them. Be a proverbs 31 wife! Husbands and wives, love and obey Christ, honor Him with your marriage. Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Commit to Christ and to each other. Show your children what a Godly marriage looks like. Do it now! Do it God’s way. His way always works!

Update – School Violence – Columbine High School 2001

August 5, 2018 by Steve Rossi – The Christian Counselor in Houston, Texas

This is the second newsletter I wrote on School Violence focusing on the Columbine High School Shooting that occurred in April 1999. I examined the aftermath, issues, dynamics, causes, current trends, intervention, healing, and prevention in this newsletter.

THE COUNSELOR

VOL. 4, NO. 3 SEPTEMBER 2001

Stephen Rossi, M.A., L.P.C. – The Christian Counselor in Houston Texas

It’s been almost two and a half years since the Columbine High School massacre. I still remember the shocking news that day – fifteen dead and twenty-three wounded! One month later a fifteen year-old boy wounded six students at his high school in Conyers, Georgia. Five more people have been killed and eighteen wounded since then in school shootings. The victims were teachers and students from urban and suburban, elementary, middle, and high schools. Our nation’s schools have worked very hard since the Columbine tragedy to address school violence. Numerous research studies have been conducted on this subject. Many more schools have crisis plans, intervention and prevention programs for school violence. Security measures have been increased too. Threats of school violence are taken much more seriously than they were a couple of years ago. What potential danger awaits our children this new school year? Despite the heightened awareness and aggressive prevention programs, school violence continues to plague our nation, threatening the security of our children daily.

Issues, Dynamics &Causes

A complex set of variables interact to cause school violence. External causes include: Early childhood abuse or neglect; family problems; exposure to violence and victimization at home and/or school; bullying, cumulative put downs; peer pressure, rejection, stress, violence in the media, movies, video games; and music. Nihilistic values of hopelessness, sadness, and aloneness in popular music like Nirvana also contribute to violence. Children are desensitized to violence when they grow up seeing 96% of the TV programs emphasizing violent solutions to problems. Stress takes a tremendous toll on our kids today. They feel the pressures of growing up in a world of confusion, divorce, materialism, ruthless competition, and immorality. Internal factors related to school violence include: cumulative unmanaged anger; unmet needs for relationships; approval; success; and power; isolation; pain; and alienation from God. Motives for committing violence range from interpersonal and romantic disputes, gang related activities, random victim incidences, robbery, arguments over money or property, to drug-related activities. Other motives include achieving and maintaining high status, social identity, power, rough justice, social control, self help, and defiance to authority (University of Colorado, 1998). Much violence comes from unhealthy attitudes, inability to control impulses, and lack of empathy (Obsatz, 1998). Easy access and availability of firearms also contributes to the rise and continuation of school violence throughout our country.

Current Trends

Current Trends We have come a long way from the 1950’s where smoking cigarettes and skipping class were the worst problems high schools encountered. Since the 1992-93 school year there have been 270 violent deaths. Most of these deaths were shooting victims. The years between 1983 and 1993 were marked by unprecedented violence with an increase of 153% in the number of juveniles murdered by firearms. Students have mixed opinions and perceptions about school violence and safety today. In a CBS News study (Class of 2000), 96% of the students said they felt safe in school, but 53% said that a Columbine type shooting could happen at their own school. Most school districts, urban and non-urban report in national surveys that violence at school has gotten worse in the past several years (Kaufman, 1998). In another study (Singer, 1999), 7080% of the students reported that they witnessed violence at their school in the past year. Rates of victimization, depending on the survey, range from 1 out of 3, to 1 out of 10 reporting being beaten up or assaulted in school. Eighty-four percent of our public schools have a low security system in place. Columbine was not considered a high risk school for violence. Few places are safe anymore from the threat of school violence. Most school violence does not result in death. The most reported crimes in school are physical attacks or fights without a weapon. Chronic harassment and bullying are also considered forms of violence. Children are impacted even when they witness a single physical fight or if they are threatened. The most serious violent crimes usually occur in middle and high school. School violence should be considered along a continuum. Violent behavior from a first grader is different than violent behavior from a twelfth grader. Young children display aggression by kicking, hitting, spitting, and name calling. Violent behavior can become more serious with children as they grow older, often seen as bullying, extortion, and physical fighting. Violent incidents and threats of violence at school negatively affect students, school staff, and the educational process. It affects the student’s mental health and academic achievement.

Aftermath

The Columbine High School community still struggles with their tragedy (ABC News 2000). The wounds are deep. There is considerable bickering over how to spend the millions of dollars received already. Families of the injured students claim they should have gotten more money than those of the dead ones. Disagreement exists on forgiving the killers and their parents. Many are consumed with blaming the parents, teachers, and police. Anger and bitterness are reflected in numerous lawsuits by the families of 15 victims. One mother of the paralyzed victims committed suicide in November 1999. Meanwhile, in West Paducah, the grieving families filed wrongful death suits. The sound of a book dropping on the classroom floor in Pearl, Mississippi, sent children ducking for cover months after their school shooting. The people of Jonesboro, Arkansas feel no sense of closure almost two years after a couple students opened fire on their classmates from the woods. While some of the survivors still have depression and flashbacks, the community of Springfield, Oregon have pulled together. Lives have been altered forever because of the school shootings. People have endured incredible pain and suffering and continue their long road to healing.

P.T.S.D. SYMPTOMS

• Re-experiencing the event through vivid memories or flash backs.

• Feeling emotionally numb.

• Feeling overwhelmed by normal everyday situations.

• Lack of interest in former pleasurable activities.

• Crying uncontrollably.

• Relying increasingly on alcohol and drugs to get through the day.

• Sleep disturbances. Nightmares.

• Poor concentration.

• Startle reactions. Reactions to events that symbolize the incident.

• Feeling extremely moody, irritable, angry, suspicious, or frightened.

• Isolating oneself from family and friends. Depression/Withdrawal.

• Feeling fears and a sense of doom about the future.

• Feeling guilty about having survived the event or being unable to solve the problem, change the event or prevent the disaster.

Youth Trauma

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (P.T.S.D) is an anxiety disorder that may develop after a terrifying event. It usually involves having persistent frightening thoughts and memories of the ordeal. Not everyone who experiences or witnesses a traumatic event will develop P.T.S.D. A violent act in a school affects everyone. Some students experience more emotional effects than others. The damage can continue or begin long after the event. It is more common for a traumatized child or adolescent to have some of the symptoms of P.T.S.D. than to develop the full blown disorder. People with full blown P.T.S.D. or symptoms can become debilitated and should receive professional help.

Intervention and Healing

Students exposed to or involved in school violence, especially school shootings, require immediate attention. School staff, parents, churches and mental health professionals should provide ways for students to address the trauma they experienced. This must be done with the utmost care and sensitivity. Do not force survivors to deal with catastrophic events. Depending on the situation, there may be considerable confusion and emotional pain. Go slowly and gently in encouraging them to talk about the incident. It takes time to process their reactions. Each person handles grief differently. They work through losses on their own time table. Identify children and teens with P.T.S.D. and make appropriate referrals. Allow and encourage students to write poems, develop support groups, internet sites, or other means of expressing their feelings and working through the tragedy. Anniversary commemoration ceremonies are crucial in promoting healing. The recovery period may take years. The Church can be paramount in the healing process. Pastors and church staff can minister to the families and the entire community by coming along side those impacted and offering prayer, support, and consolation. School violence should always be addressed, even when it does not result in death or serious injury. School staff should process and debrief students impacted by violence or threats. Students need a format to express their feelings and reactions. They should also be taught how to handle threats of violence.

Prevention

The Secret Service (2000) concludes that there are no psychological or demographic profiles for children and adolescents who pose as threats. None of the shooters in their study acted impulsively. There were warning signs and plenty of time to intervene. Watch for students who: have a history of tantrums and uncontrollable anger; frequently do name calling, cursing, or use abusive language; habitually make violent threats; previously brought a weapon to school; have a preoccupation with weapons and explosives; have a background of serious disciplinary problems; have a background of drug, alcohol, or
other substance abuse problems; have been on the fringe of their peer group; have few or no close friends; have previously been truant, suspended or expelled; have been cruel to animals; have little or no supervision and support from parents or caring adults; have witnessed or been a victim of abuse or neglect at home; have been bullied and/or bullies or intimidates peers or younger children; blame others for their own problems and difficulties; consistently prefer TV shows, movies, or music expressing violent themes and acts; prefer reading materials dealing with violent themes, rituals, and abuse; reflect anger, frustration and the dark side of life in school essays or writing projects; are involved in a gang or antisocial group on the fringe of peer acceptance; are often depressed and/or have significant mood swings; have threatened or attempted suicide. We need to identify and reach hurting children and teens before they become violent. Teachers, students, parents, coaches, and church staff should always be looking for those children who are picked on, ostracized, rejected, and struggle socially. The children who shot up their schools were angry and hurting. They were ridiculed and rejected by their peers. They were searching for answers, desperately wanting someone to reach out to them. They were alienated from their classmates, families, and God. Many children and adolescents in our schools today have the potential to become violent. They can be reached. It takes work. They may push us away but we need to press ahead, caring for them no matter how tough or scary they look. We need to befriend them and show them the love of God. There’s a lot of work ahead. Let’s do it!